windows open.

from november:

2012-01-11T22:44:00.001-08:00

---

november 13. 2011.

so here's the opportunity.. with the walls standing still.
these faithful brown walls.

to respond to the fresh loaves of bread.. the crisp, crackling invitation you've broken over me.

---

traveling down gravelly pavement.
moved like rolling rivers underneath.
her name's heidi. and she brought all our hands together that drive.
my right hand placed directly on his crown. prayers hung in the air all the way.
nights spent fallen. completely on top of eachother.
only good.
flesh and heart and deep breathing sleep.
ROADTRIP.
BROTHER lovejoy bursting.. water balloon heart.. hour after hour.melodies. song. snoggin. laughter.
patch of grass 11:11 11/11/11 explosive joy swerve for photos!

arrival.

HUGS ALL AROUND.. like a drum circle.. to the end of the time, really.

cookin' from the earth. in the pans.. hearts bouncing off the walls and ceiling.
wide eyes..beads of craved union.. rolling off tongues and into the pan
back into the caves of our bodies so eager to be filled these bouncy ball trailing DAYS.

hours that overlap and multiply like they do in the clasping of hands and telling of stories into those wee hours.. of the
morning.
MORNING.awakened by the drum of opened drawers.. looking..
she's looking for something.

and the blinds OPEN.
and the palms break
and the sun washes our faces READY for morning feasts.

dripping curls with fragrant warmth. the towel wraps her head
and we pull the covers from his hammock in the trees..
"JOIN US! we 'ev love and 'ot ceks!"
and to the breakfast table we go.. circled up..

heads bobbing left to right to left to right and sunny's orange delight breaks open our throats with sparkling citrus understanding.

FOLLOW the leader!
we all followed with the brightest eyes.
(she never forgets the basket of apples.)
and the way he led us brought us encased
by a frame of windows with WIND
that taught us to fall deeper.. even deeper into DAY!
EXPECTANCE arisen and exposed in the breaking of bread.

"i'll pay for yours! .. will you hold my sweater?"
"of course!"
communion of hearts and we'd only nearly found the coast.

caravan of bodies all the day long.

don't dare try to peel her back off my hand off his heart off her mind.
all our marrow had met like streams in a river.
and there's not a thing you could do to seperate.
not now.

BOARDWALKIN'!
running into strangers from HOME. here and now. there and then.
alive like music.. and that very spicy cider
(blue blue saltwater)
the FATHER poured down our ears.. down our backs into
the cradles we'd formed in our palms
at that day point.

FALLING SPHERE of FIRE over our heads- swarming incensed color
and we can't even BELIEVE the GOSPEL
like weapons in our oxygen.
INTO our lungs through the strange brother from our home's front porch.

where to now.. shewwww..
TRIUMPHANT jubilee in the light streams of NIGHT'S FREEWAY.
dance?
of course.
DANCE it OUT??
of COURSEEE... hahaaa

and pulling like taffy the heartbeats slowed.
walk beautifully haphazardly up those stairs and fall recklessly across whatever holds.
mountain scapes sketched on kitchen walls.. coffee brews at one ay em?
of course.
clay mugs all around.. words dance.. fall into song
and no one but only one knows when it happened
that our piled bodies drifted into galaxies
at the very same mystical unionsweet moment.

2011-09-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

OH- and today is for real.

in the lens of eternity.

and on the soft clay tablets

of our hearts.

...

todayy was...
saltwater.
spraying my mind.

waves broken onto my temples.. roll down.

and into my eyes.

blinded by the rush and tasting fresh
the gift of
only imagination in the dark.
for a moment..
or three.

then spewing broken spickets in the august oven haze.
toes stretched.
aaaand bones shatter.

sweet dissipation - flesh arise.
when feet's soul cries into full collapse.
kiss the mud.
i'll bathe in it- with all my heart.

til i remember-
like the sounds bouncing down those golden honey hardwoods in the summer home-

the smell of my first love.

branded into my flesh
over my heart
into the bones..
of my dazed and adrift
fierce and engaged
kaleidoscope childhood.

melted down like iron into you.
and waves wash over..
and here we are.

now let them mock with their degrees.
but they can't dare touch our love.

august 27. 2011.

2011-09-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

and she sat 12 o'clock from me.. in the center of town.
maybe we were drawn by the same current of desire to listen to the wind.
because the way she lifted her chin (but her heart) to the soft lime dripping feather bed of oaks-
both our canopy and heart throb of the afternoon-

assured me we have refuge.
it promised we were sisters.

now, draw your hands through the rice in mama's jar in the kitchen.
and with a breath of release, let the grains fall through your fingers-
the texture and the movement- it'll warm your heart.
that's the catapulted trulove the christened feathered bristles of the oak's paintbrush called out today.

breathing deep, her eyelids fall.
and i breathe deep too.

"wonderful breeze today.." she says, smiling with the aftermath of having experienced
(with all of her)
4 o'clock light and summer winds.

"lovely.."

"and you're a beautiful girl.." ... and she's gone like a vapor.

and my heart stops for a moment.
cause it's all so worth it. to slowdown.

dreams.

2011-08-17T15:27:00.001-07:00

and then last night ---
one of the most absorbing scenes of the vibrancy of my daddy's life and all his life BRINGS to ours.
---
the door is broken open and in he walks dripping with the surge of hard labor under that
flaming sphere of fire.
(baking our souls and dressing us with color these falling domino days).
his feet make their direct route across the hardwood floors.
with each deliberate step, dust swirls, particles of earth and leavescrushed dance in that golden light
streaming a stage for their flying-then-settling voice of just…
so much life.
in those rooms-
down those hallways.

the sweat runs down his neck and arms with strength as a flood.
and a rush of little girls follow (almost too close) behind- to be near him.
he finds a seat in that grand bedroom- the rug's in disarray and trampled on with love- it all is. everyounce.
and mama stands off to the side with a smirk-
watching softly and intently as she molds the warmth of our home with her gracefilled hands.
and her almond eyes behold the unraveling spool of
voices and grime, summerair, heartbeat and absolute raw existence
of the herd of bodies that just rolled through the door.
all with such thick and dynamic (hands clasped) kinship to eachother.

he pulls out his guitar and begins to now bring music and melodies to the
lived-in loved-on AIR of the home..
and there's no show. just overflow of his strong and VIBRANT existence.

except for when there is a show- and then we tell him he's not funny-
its just that no one is convinced. and we all roll our eyes and give in.
because deeper still, we know its somehow healing all our wounds
to taste the 8yearoldboy alive in him. and to be chased through the kitchen
till our hearts are full.

yea the TIDE of our hearts deep currents, his heart PULLS the waves of.. with all that he is.
and we all knew who we were in those days because HE was there.
ears rung with melodies sweet and assuring- like springtime-
as they bounced off those golden honey hardwoods.
through doorways, down hallways, off guitars, through windows and trees.
and shaping our minds too.
with toes in the soil, hands on the bark TEXTURE and rawlife engaged.
and we LOVED OUR DADDY. and he made us LAUGH-
laughter from the gut with soul.
coming from the place where CHERISH-all-you-have-ever-been-to-me, was BORN.
and everything was colorful.
and we lived IN those colors everyday- all the time.
and we knew that we were.
because our eyes had been opened.

now, I’d rather not dwell on the scene it then cut to of a glimpse of our lives without him-
with the empty grand bedroom and heart wrenching silence.
though I’ll fully attest to the hollow echoes.
the gaping void and dark abyss behind our eyes
that almost left us blind without his heart- without his life
poured onto ours
like a baptism. making us new.
our Dad, through our dad, He is making us new.

2011-08-13T19:51:00.001-07:00

wow.
its saturday night at our house. and you could hear a pin drop.
and i just put on my stretchy pants. and walked downstairs.
and walked through the kitchen.
and out to the summernight porch.
and there were no voices.
and the floor was clean.

and i tried to go snuggle with my little brother, but he's already asleep.
and all my little sisters are watching little house on the prairie.
and my mom and dad are on a date.

and my other brothers are in aubrin.
(and my heart hurts when they're not here)

and NO ONE ELSE is over.
and its really clean.

and it's really NICE.

and when our house is empty.. i tend to write about it.

because it's like a rare jewel.

but yea, yall come over wheneverrr.
we LOVEE IT. love it.

wink.

ok. this could get me introuble. we really do love it.
but not tonight.

: )

2011-06-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

BREAK IN. crashingly.
with the reality of your presence.
and pluck me right out
of this subconscious overflow
where my heart ends up muttering to a white washed wall
instead of seeing clearly
the magnitude and glory of my company..
looking you square in the eyes
and then uttering the sonnets of my heart.
with a real quivering and confident understanding
of just WHO i'm with.

mm. mornings in an empty house.

2011-06-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

what my eyes BEHOLD.
oh God.
what my eyes rest on.
it's so impactful..? yea, sure. impact. FULL.

these woods. and faces.
these souls and light bursts.
spending hours on end with a friend. with a certain potent paradigm..
it's impacted my freedom to enjoy the world.
and people. to ENTERIN to my love for this EARTH..
collapsing recklessly into the powerful fragility and entirety of my humanity.
because it's sacred.

and in every ounce of this living,
and at the breaking of every day,
we'll find
there's a river to skip down
of earthshaking
design.

and the freedom of knowing.

reallyyyy knowing
who we are.

(oh Abba. your name.)

man.

2011-06-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

caught up.
in the day... to day... to day.

jon foreman - your love is a song.

2011-05-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

may 7.

2011-05-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

summer fragrance.
toes dipped in adventure..
tastes of wildness.
soul moved.
fudge dripping over the joints and ligaments
of the pulse of true artists' beating expression.
DANCE. soul.
friends. laughter.
off the beaten path of these feet's mechanical route.
railroad ties skipped over by the bare feet
of bodies loving the free crushed vanity of present
and espeically.. train's rushing wind.
deeper further. darker. HIGHER. !
more echo. less familiarity.. strange whispers..
aaaaaaand NIGHTS SKYLINE.
is home. and warmth.
deep blue and yellow aura.
of street lights and (birmingham's) city scape song.
cresent moon. (celeste)

it was reeeeeally great to walk through the streets
and down rail road tracks with of all of you tonight.
invigoration.
i've needed it.

2011-04-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

welp.
got a letter from india today, world.

my brother knows how to love really well.

in the sun.

2011-04-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

to remember that the gospel, its for TODAY too.

yea Love is for today.

thats good.

wheww.
exhale.
thats a good thing.

2011-04-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

makin hopie chug water.
and now her hiccups are GOWN.
whatdoyaknoww.

uh huh. alivealive.

2011-04-04T20:40:00.001-07:00

and i'm back.
with the choking length of this post.
a recap of the past few months. snapshots of my heart in all this living.

...

february 12.
i am alive on earth. i am alive on this EARTH.
so much to discover here. so much to unravel.
but its so grounding when my soul is still
and i grasp even an ounce more of how small i am
and how well you hold me here.

february 18.
sitting at my window this morning. desperate for you.
again.
sheesh this is constant.

...

UNDONE.
"just a little while longer and we'll see you.
just a little while longer and we'll know you.
just a little while longer and we'll be together."

and maybe that's why no matter the intensity of GOONESS HERE, it's unreal. (even though its only real)
and it makes me weep (when its ONLY good)
because such lavishness, we can't comprehend. and we ache ( i ache) to be able to...
i'm just.. yea.. unraveled here on my bed..
gonna go lay on that tin roof under the moon light-
so brighttonight. and revel..
or probably curl up under it all.

february 20.
at church.
dad just turned around and signlauaged "sit" at me.

february 21.
(in montana)
huge adamjames engulfing embrace at lecture break..
"i just love looking over and seeing you sitting there."
blown away. pure pure love.

febrary 26.
let my life. my present. collide with your love.
"i pray tear down these walls that keep me from you"
and then ill be able to see straight onceagain.

a;lskdjfi;lkm mann. whenishutup for even 5 minutes
and let you show me your face,
i remember why we sing about you. hello. welcome home.

...

that God is PRESENT. is something entirely pure.
and transcends all else.
hits like an electric shock onto the sky directly above me
and reverberates over the rest of my surroundings
like a canopy.
and then even in all this unknown.
all this waiting.
all these unanswered questions.
i can hold onto your heart and know fully and peacefully
that though sometimes everything is a nightmare..

ALL IS WELL.
(i'm held.)

march 1.
phonecall with the mama:
"you are capable and worthy of going through the valley. and He'll go with you."
this is the valley.

march 6.
(flight home from montana)
pretty speechless here. you're the sweetest of lovers. and my heart aches with the pressure of being welled up.
oh here i've been dreaming on a plane..
suspsended in nearness to my Dad.
your love is so unbridled for me. you have FREEDOM for me.

here in this place of suspension in my heart.. oh Jesus. i'm so glad to know you.

march 8.
discovering deeper the FULLNESS of life with you!
i've barely ever felt so alive
and beautiful
and on the brink of something new.
and full of potential.
these are some hopeful days.

march. 9.
waking up in the morning, i feel.
so intensely.
and this morning at 525am my soul cringed
at the thought of moving away.

..
STORMS.. brewing.
with passion.
and readiness.

so struck by
"I'll be with you until the end of the age."

march 11.
it's unreal how worth it it is to "present my requests to you".. because you're Dad.
and youre with me IN these places i find myself.
these places you take me.
.. damn. i need PURE expression.

..
MOVED. sitting on overlook road.
just halfway to "the bamboo" (the place on our street growing up
where joseph, adam and i were allowed to walk by ourselves. and
we thought we were so cool. and adventurers. and it was 2 houses down.)

overwhelmed.
by how your spirit was with me in these flavor filled days of discovery.
as i grew up and walked through summer, spring, winter and fall..
walking into new days.. one after the other.. baking in pure goodness and love.. carrying me
into these new days.. making me INTO this marygrace of 2011.
and your spirit washed over me in my inoocence and ignorance and playful heart
that knew how to imagine.
wow.. yea, but in the midst of imagination, i faced each day as its own.. each one
for what it could HOLD.
it's all i knew how to do.
and so (therefore) i danced.
and i swung on sings.. whole heartedly.
and i knew how to get LOST in places my mind and heart would go.
BEAUTIFUL CHILDHOOD.

here, in these PLACES
you carved outta this dirt, a home for me.
and now this spirit. such a friend today,
i can see as my childhood companion.
that wholly KNEW the desperate attempts at grasping this world and my own heart..
always searchign for ground.
here ( on overlook road) i was molded.

...

(worship night at our house)
angels are apparently massive.
and i wanna see one.

march 12.
(after dinner with very dear friends)
oh.. and THIS is the beautiful life of a SPRINGDAY washing all my fears away.
you're the on i love and tonight i met you in a capacity
and flavor i've barely EVER tasted in such purity and
deep well knowing.
coversations of deep calling to deep in a way
i can only crave to be what fills
my being full.
moments tonight.. man. moments i'll hold close to my heart.

march 13.
MORNINGS can be so promising. i love to hear the woods come alive..
in their waking i feel both fully at home and
bound for a new land all interwoven with this SURENESS
sweet pounding drum that beats and echoes
throughout my being over and over.
in a strong rhythm.
assuring my soul of its aliveness and even more so..
identity.

march 14.
its pretty CRASHING DOWN comfort all over me
the way you say "its never too late" to come away with you.

man. your heart.
it beats every SINGLE idea i've ever conjured of you.

march 15.
the way you are constantly shattering my GRASP on who you are is hard.
and makes this pressing in so constant.

..

and my hand shakes. here in the MIDST..
of REALITY.

its a WHOLE lot to take in.. be under.
to be alive in the flesh.. the dust swirling and clinging to me.. ME.
to me..
this PLACE trying to tell me there's LIFE here and abandoned hearts longing for all stored up in me..
the earth's crying out for Jesus..
and it sees Him in me.
oh the grasp of the dusty wind on my flesh..
i must stay for a while
and be on the move in this place..
until i get to go home.
..
i cant and i wont and can't fall down and into longing and distraction
where eyes set on you have gone adrift and begun to lock
with the subtle throbbing lovers and wooers of this world
that make me think this ache for fullness can be tasted in the swampy waters.

march 16.
finding runway for flight.

march 17.
TODAY.
i'm almost always afraid to face today
for all it holds.
and i therefore FALL..
my eyes locked on tomorrow. and i'm afraid of the beauty of now.
and the perpetual beauty of now will always BE the gospel.
the love of God.
and then these sunfilled afternoons and
sweet interactions and flying birds
and gentle lovely winds will weave the colors into the picture
TODAY'S beauty paints..
that all sew my heart tightly INTO his. deeper.
deeper.
deeper even still.

march 18.
DANG. i'm not trusting you to fill me.
so i keep setting myself up in situations where i know my soul will be appeased.
and feel atleast a little loved.
and atleast a little excitement.
and then acting like i'm seeking you all the moments in between..
all the while unwilling to really let go of any of these temporary pleasures.
(because what if you don't show up?)

grace me with strength and desire to say yes to you.
to come home to you.
to choose you.
cause otherwise i'll walk around half dead like this.

march 19.
when we're met by our Maker..

a good friend:
"... and in those moments, it's like everything you've ever loved..
times a MILLION..
and you feel it in your heart
and it hurts."

couldn't have been more beautifully put. if only you could've heard it in person.

("the beauty of the gospel.. it wounds us." -wakingupgrey)

march 21.
breathe.
breath.. IN.
and out.

coming home. ( ihaveto. ineedto. not home yet.
not home... yet. walking...
home.
and every breath is evidence of my Dad.)

...

MAN..damn this apathy. and lethargy.
i seethe it. i hate it. i loathe it.
i'm so hopeless in this state..
what the hell. RESCUE ME
if you love me so much.
.. i've been aching to FEEL.. to feel enough that i'm moved to dive into you.
i KNOW you're all i need.
but i wanna fall asleep here
in this DISCONNECT.

...

danced away my despair. away. away.
under the soft spring sky opening in the woods by the creek.
then read psalm 119 ALOUD.
pacing the ground.
earthy and raw with the ricocheting cover of my CRY
for help.
and am now in the midst of a sunset you've sketched
and spilled your heart on
with soft
warm
promising
firey
incensed
color.
(and it's so good and nice to share love of sunsets with friends that truly understand)

march 23.
"to burn and yet to fly. this is the miracle of genius." - victor hugo.

I AM NOT ALONE in this place.. that's a fresh breeze
over the skewed panting lungs of my soul.

march 25.

and i'm crawling on the floor. just to find you now.
NEED ALLIGNMENT.
purify my mind and heart.
and in the crevice of humanity's drum.
beating. crying for allignment. and sureness
that echoes. and tension. sky's home.
sky's embrace tonight. and here we spin and we spin and we DO.
we spin from the pulley bound tightly to the core (we NEED) and with one tug, we begin to unravel in the stormiest disarray.
BUT GRACE upon grace..
and light upon light
and look upon hands. upon EYES.
and crash down.
unbridled fall.. eyes closed.
lost in this place.. LOST in all mornings dew. HOME.
wrists bound together red. red. flooding all around.
grasping for any sort of embrace.
so...
interwoven. fingers wrap around eachother.
cold color. warmer suns above.
handwritten. and engraved with piercing and run after sprints.. fully CAUGHT this time.
with feet swept out from under a run so far from hammocks and trees and deeper into the dust
of quench-ridden expanse.
in circles.. round and round
in the nothingness (void)
of arms that don't hold.

and i've needed to be 5 again for longer than you could believe.
oh gates of agewrought doubt- let me OUT..
there's an open space in mama's bed tonight.

...

Dad: "yea, life's a battle. and alotta times in the midst of it, we forget who we are.
we think we're the old creature when really, we've been made new."

in this staggering heat, my wrists are bound. feeling the death (ofself). FEELING it.

march 26.
it's time to run.. and there are mountains for you to climb
and off cliffs for you to dive.
you've been afraid. been AFRAID. but when i made them, i had you in mind.
and your heart will TEAR. your heart will tear.
..
yea all of me NEEDS to acknowledge how deep my heart will tear to leave it all behind.
but i can't deny this invitation.. it's scary and it's freedom. and it's loss and it's life..
its time to RUN.

"WIND IN YOUR SAILS! let God take you." text from plovinggood.

man.. here we go.

march 31.
so grateful for the built in excuse to lay down.
for a lot of hours in a row. curled up in blankets. wow.
SLEEP.
so glad.

driving today.. was struck by how much He must delight in our aliveness..
our living breathing moving existence..
he dreamed about us and created us..
with inetnion and desire and vision..
in the depths of the earth.
before our existence.. but now he watches us live OUT his dreams.. whoa. even
in sheer breathing, he's enamored.
that's true, pure delight.

april 1.

i love to be alive. and so in the crackle and break of morning, i'll tread the earth.
feeling the soil in my every step.
and i'll tread the earth in all it's warmth.
and i'll feel the chill of night after sun's dipping into the edge of the atmosphere.
gracing and coloring it all with gentle and fiery promise.
and i'll tread the EARTH .
only alive here in Love's stilling whirlwind of embrace.

april 3.
few things come close to the sight of the woods outside my window..
and driving down 31 coming into downtown birmingham.

help me to be still enough and hold out for the fullness of your phrases.

SPRING IS HERE. with grace upon grace upon invitation in it's gentle honeyed arrival.

layin on my roof- in the bliss of the air's consistent 75.
and the spilled golden yellow freshly lime-ing all the deep green leaves..
and the NUMBER of leaves.. making whole the beauty of intricacies..
and then.. quite literally enveloping all of me
(well.. 3/4 of me to surrender to the painful honesty of my inability to
fully let go of nagging restraints and ENTERIN)
here i find myself.
my SELF.. and realize that you REALLY put me here.. and
YOU put me on earth..so.
that's interesting.
.. it's interesting to be put here. i wonder why sometimes.

..
but you're not flippant.

april 4.
i feel like these are the some of the tiniest glimpses, Abba. the tiniest glimpses.
i wanna be enveloped this morning.
wash over me.

today i know more than ever:

2011-01-11T14:29:00.000-08:00

there's no place like home.
..
i was born to dance.
..
the kingdom of light is where i belong.
..
over and over and over again, i need to claim my inheritance.
..
He restores.
..
gracewolnski's birth is one to celebrate. (happy birthday mama)

..

yea. Jesus sang over me today. in the form of coldplay's yellow.
and it was almost more than i could handle.

"for you I bleed myself dry."

andnowi'msomethingbeautiful.

2011-01-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

to finally be barefoot again after a long day of work on mah feet.
i can FEEL THE GROUND.

holdin onto promises here.

2011-01-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

there's music in this day.

and fresh balsam creating the warmest wintery pine aroma in my room.

GRATEFUL.

yea. january 2.

a good day to blog i guess.

you shoulda seen outside my window when i woke up this morning. the bright rays of light and depth of the woods was full of promise.

this morning i woke up excited because i remembered that by that point (of eight am.), my brother was probably snoozing in lakeside, montana.

and that means the world to me.

and even though i'm not there, so much of my heart is there. with him. and so many loves are there. and i'm filled with excitement when i think about him bein alive. up there.

mmmk.

SNEEZE! that felt so good. always. ("i feel like a new person" - branden. its the truth)

soo. sweet birmingham. here i am.

and the part of the woods that i'm waitin in, walkin in, runnin in: alive in

these days.. is one requiring me to rediscover hope.

or maybe unveil it for the first realdeal time.

and i'd say that it's a beautiful thing.

i'm finding what a mending seam it can be in and through all this ache. and brokenness and waiting. needle from the underneath up. pull thread through. and back in again. sharp edge down this time.

again and again.

but all the while mending.

making whole once again.

reminding me of original intent. and being painfully present in all the necessity of pain and the nearness of present.

we cry mostly for hope. for like with oxygen. and the light of the sun. only with hope are we truly alive.

and i know true life is what my soul craves.. maybe requires now. (for i've been ruined in such a way that makes me unable to turn back or settle for less. not for very long at least.)

and this delicate strength that hope is. is something so fresh

and unbelievably too: a large part of that well that doesn't run dry.

a wellspring i long and need to tap into.

it must be my inheritance as a daughter.

man, this hope. is a wildflower i'm holding.

fingerprint evidence of a grasp on love.

and it's found in the sureness of.. the understanding of the charter of my Love.

hope's offered from a place so deeply ingrained and is finding it's way into

the make up of who i am.

(maybe finally finding it's home in me. where it was always meant to be.)

but just the same, i'm learning to choose hope as my resting place.

in confidence of WHOIAM.

there's so much movement and life and vibrance in hope.

quenching thirst and breaking stale air with a breeze.

and just as fully as it becomes ingrained, hope's a choice so often too.

sittin in the rich dark soil.

bare ends of my feet stretched.. finding warmth and emotion

engulfed in the home-steeped earth.

then, under the true satisfaction of sun's warmth gracing my skin..

and the cool-stream-comfort of it all,

the reality of soul meets with beautiful broken humanity.

a beating heart..

i find held in my own two hands.

face to face with HEART- sheer essence of all of this.

and the song of the place where the end-all-be-all of it's kind went

swings sweetly throughout my being.

and i realize i can't live without this.

not an ounce of me, really.

and in the heat and stillness of that moment, i hold it close to my own heart.

both beating.

syncopated.

knowing sight.

and choice. in a whole new bloodstained washedclean

light.

and in that silhouette.. the form so raw.. embrace reigns.

this is heart wrenching, painfully obviously CHOOSING.

maybe it the sound oak root of it all.

there's something so sacred here..

finding myself not alone and empty-handed,

but staring up at him.

on my knees. eyes wide. literal stillness in the air..

world stopped spinning.. could hear a pin drop.

music stopped. noise buried. warmth. anticipation.

readiness building.

such a crisp, present PAUSE.

waiting to be broken into. spoken into.

and what he has to say is always. good.

it's hope i'm holdin tightly to.

so much promise in Jesus.

(special rock of mine. from a lake at glacier. montanamontana. i'm comin back for you.)

psalm 91:1-10. rewritten.

2010-11-26T12:41:00.000-08:00

the one who finds his home

under the canopy of the Father

will remain forever near.. forever one with

His shadow.

I will say to my God

"my escape and comfort,

my pure strength of safety and protection,

my Father IN whom i allow all of me

to be held

by all of you."

for His eyes have never left me.

have never left you..

and through that sharply fierce and

adamant pursuit, He will so passionately

rescue me from the cages of my enemies.

the traps we so often fall to the depths of..

helpless with every fiber of our beings.

My Jesus.. so alive in the breath of every day

every passing moment.. will bathe me.

drench me in the soft and light of who He is.

and in His home, under His wings, I will find my home.

a place alive with a current of rest and deep knowing that i'm held. forever.

and oh the way He is the full essence of true.

the way He never leaves and always remembers my name..

the way the love in His eyes and the rhythm of His heartbeat

never leaves or even slows.

create a fortress that I can be sure is

forever before me.

i will not fall prey to the swirling torment

of the enemy when the sun has fallen.

nor the pestering sting of those nasty attempts

even in the light of the sun.

i may be entirely surrounded by defeat, but still my Jesus

will sweep me away to a place where i won't be overcome..

i will only watch the fall of the rest

and know that i've been sweetly rescued.

only because i have made Jesus' home my own.

a place of the sweetest of comfort and knowing

and protection that is alive inside me

and i live out of the sureness of every passing moment.

the Most Hight. All strong and powerful Father, who is

my refuge of sweet surrounded.

2010-11-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

"and we get so fixed on Jesus that other things really don't matter.

and he gets out, and he walks on the water. "

be my everything. be my delight.

2010-11-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

and yea, maybe this is a beautiful thing.
man.. to be moved.
is so vital.
to create things beautiful in all this disarray.. oh i need.
i need..
its a good and vibrant thing that you continue to do so.

and be the breath of all things beautiful.

reminding me that yes life continues.

and i mean LIFE. aliveness keeps finding places to be so..

(because of who you are)

even when i feel so unalive.

"go tell Jesus we love Him, ok? He'll give you a brand new leg.. He'll make you all new."
man. and He makes all things new.
and HE DOES.

and i think the color of the woven atmosphere encompassing shades view lane today LITERALLY sang. i mean, i could sing forreal in the ripe midst of it all.
here, hearts are truly beating.
beating through the heat and salt of these tears.
i don't know, maybe even rivers... RIVER of life running THROUGH.. whoa.
of course you do.

oh love that will not

let me go.

oh Abba, let me fully receive that you will not let me go.

oh what height and depth of MERCY oh what length and breadth of love.

this is who you are. ( in the pit.. you find me and so gently lift me out)

icanrun.icanRUN.

2010-10-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

i have a friend who once said the words

"there is no love more wild"

and here. in the present of this storm, glimpses are breaking into..

INTO this air, my now.

but wow. so much more so your now, Abba.

glimpses of how NOTHING compares.

this is enveloping and i don't want to leave. !

this is earth shattering, but oh so restoring.

sweet honey streams of restoration.

please let the thunder roll.. i've missed the passion.

the roaring reminder..

oh that we can be with YOU where you are..

and i'm not OF this world.

oh this is what i have for you child.

(you're so worth gazing on.)

and remind me this is living by locking eyes

once again.

cause oh torn LOVE.. you're more than whole.

and truly all i wanna know.

(and i've seemed to spin round in the depth of that longing where desire only seems to grow)

stepping now into the

identity

of a lover..

with such a heart expectant i'll wait SURE

at the window for you to come home.

i love to know you more.

explosions of petty shattering, PURE, molten burning sight and DESIRE.

I'LL DIVE IN.

"and I have said all these things to you to keep you from falling away."

so grateful for burning pursuit.

SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. !

2010-10-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

unsure how my knees bent found

this cushioned ground to rest and be found

in remembering of a voice

i'm humbled to recognize

as one i can call my

beloved.

the one my heart finds breath, rhythm and

awakening in with every ounce of my honest being.

and oh.

yea.

there you are.

AH! ALIVE. songs are what you breathe.. into

the crevices of the intimacy of these passing moments.

you make yourself into (tangible refreshment)

a POURING river.. so drink-able.

quenching.

what a thirst we barely even

realize that we allow to be our

starting gates most days.

let the cool winds blow hallelujah.

2010-10-19T21:17:00.001-07:00

i just wanna set my eyes on things above.

i just need to set.

my eyes.

on things above.

2010-10-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

walkin through the woods.. that leafy, twiggy BRANCHES path back home..

into golden hour.

that one holding so dear in it's palm

the beating heart of love.

(its remembering echoes like music this time.)

what a home in the clearing right through that wooded walk.

craved.

DAY.

2010-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

i just laid down on my pillows and took a deep breath (facedown) and realized i should wash my pillowcases once in a while.

ummm...anyway.

today is BRIGHT.

and brothersistery.

filled with life in my kitchen. great place to plant yourself.

cause its such the hub. nope. don't like that word.

heart. of the house. and everyone be-bops in.. brothers comin down to get breakfast at 1230pm with the deep breath "i've been starin at a computer too long, here i am snappin back into reality" BURST about him , other brothers comin in to aggravate the other sisters planted at the island "doing school", baby running in and out of the room dressed as a different SOMETHIN every 3 minutes and puttin on a show with each re-entry. (today i had a giraffe, flower, elephant and unicorn for a sister) then you have aunts comin upstairs from work, mamas (or just one) comin in from exercising

skyddas eeyore-ing around, breakin up fights with his tryin-to-be-a-bear growl, and then of course nappin on the mat infront of the door annnny second in between. (which hope has a word or two to say about)

not to mention the layers of condiments that find their way outta the fridge and left on the counter piling up by the second.

the oldest brother serenading us through the laptop annd that's all for now.

runnin to work. !

it's okay. i think we both knew our time was good.

2010-10-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes things come out so fragmented.

and sometimes there are seasons where words

fall short. and knowing is better. or all that's left.

but maybe something even truer.

i love that he keeps callin us faithful.

just keeeps lookin at us. and keeps believing in us.

there's a hillside that i like to sit on

where i get to see his face.

and like a baptism

i realize i'm

a daughter.

...

ALL of it. it's ALL.

(in all.) YOU. you.

and you

breath and dream for us

and of us..

and into the sun. it seems.

flight. fright. collision.

blood PULSING

through.

so confused. ( we get confused.) and try to PROVE.

with the light of dawn.. we begin to compare.

and decide. when there, you

plead the breaking of joy over us.

it's an echo of

"if they only knew.. but here i'll stay

alive.

and always keep knocking.

(so many doors)

i'm committed..

with the promise of sun's falling and rising."

the way He fills

will remain. ( so we'll know.)

let the ache of His heartbeat meet

with the ache planted deep (in all. for Love.)

and in that meeting..

reverberations.. echoes

of the angels' song

louder than our ears

can comprehend.. so like wind.

we'll know those vibrations. NO SENSE.

but hallelujah to

your name.

awakening is our brink..

WHERE we stand at the peak of the tidal wave.

let it BREAK.. and i'll be sure to ride it.

this time i -

with all my heart want to promise-

will not.

miss you.

only faint mentionings of Holy Kingdom strike

a tender chord

that reel this so easily

wooed heart back into a

heart stilling

tear jerking reality of a

(my)

living Father with love.

WITH love.

"with love,"

and filled. with LOVE.

and you know me. (here)

and you love me. (now)

this is the air we breathe.

the september issue. (?)

2010-09-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

about that time i guess..

thoroughly soakin in the freshness of this summernight air.

sittin on the spot right outside my kitchen where i quite often escape to thaw out

from our ridonculously cold house. (especially when accompanied by a full-to-the-brim cup of crushed ice. which is so weirdly like dessert for me and my iron deficient self.. but simultaneously chilling my insides to the point of frustration. and sometimes paralyzation. ) whew. movin on..

quite a ramb.

today's been a day of one-on-ones.

started off the morning with coffee and ashfordtaylor. bam. good thing. you should try it.

if you're lookin for a time to be listened to and embraced with the look in her eyes alone.

and then wowed by a heart so steady and sure of love when it comes her turn to talk.

man.

such a friend.

from her...i take notes.

next was a hilarious and random skype date/interview with joseph's friend from auburn about somethin i knew nothing about. : /

but definitely enjoyable and surprisingly natural.

next: a sneak-away time with abigail. love my baby. went and grabbed lunch and then drove to a grassy knoll (uh uh) overlooking birmingham where we did gymnastics and laughed (and i saved her life twice because she apparently has zero equilibrium after comin out of a back walk over and almost slammed her head into a stone wall twice. what in the world baby. i'm here for ya.) and then finished our time singin windows down..whole-heartedly.. the words we diiiiiid not know to an african worship song. the epitome of the girl in the passenger seat: glee.

goodtimes.

next: lunch with sarah colleen. ya know.. the essence of sweet.and soft. and genuine. poured out some hearts. mulled over things. laughed a good bit. ate a megaaa chocolate chip cookie. and then parted ways. note: she has a fresh be-boppin new haircut that i wont. (want)

and never in a million years looks like a soccermom. so. just throwin that out there.

hahaa.

annnd finally.. picked up a vanilla latte and made my way to the crazy sweet abode of emily echevarria. nice place to spend an afternoon between the sweet light streamin in those old windows, friend who cares enough to reminisce over old dts photos and vids with me for a good hour even though she wasn't there, and the mutual love for jesus and enjoyment of so many similar things. inlife. sister.

...

welp. that was a spiel. which i just realized after word-check made me fix the spelling.. that i've always pronounced it SHpeel. gah. i don't know if i can switch over.

and before, behind, (beneath, beside, between- to finish off the jingle for you fellow shirley grammar-ers.) is the heartbeat of the father.

that continues to steal my breath and ground me every moment my heart stills.

current winds of "yes, i'll take you AS YOU ARE" carry me

home.

and let all of this clutter fall away.

i will find my strength in your love, yea in your love.

(that you're above all. that you're ABOVE..

that we're beneath..

in the "held" kind of way.

and watched. gazed upon.

with a faithfulness i wanna choose to claim

as my lover

(day after

day.. after

all these

passing

days.)

that you know me.

and believe deeper in me than i nor anyone else can.

even if they so

desired.

what a paradox. but you do. because you are.

you ARE.

so even as adventure seems nowhere to be found..

and monotony begins to creep in. and purpose

feels so undefined.

i wanna hold on. faster.

and truer. than ever before.

and treat every ounce of this

like a

gift.

and find you in those moments. of dancing and sleeping

and EVERYTHING in between.

please.

because YEA. you're alive.

and yeaaa.

my cup runneth over.

it is well. with my soul.

let it keep

being well

with my

soul.

2010-08-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

seasons come and seasons go.
and seasons come.
and to a right hand i've been
whisked away and drawn
home.

crazed by the poetry of it all..

mirror images we've been painted somehow
as the maker pours his
rushing streams
with always more to go around.

FOUND
i found my home.
through.. in and through these sunrises
and sunsets..
i seem to keep awakening.

while all the children stand
in stillness.
light has been their ground.
and now pure callings echo loud.

at the core of our gardens we found the place to dig.
even sparrows sang when that
rusty golden key
saw the light of day again and
rested in the warmth of living hands.

all the universe stilled.. until..
the long awaited sky broke

and rejoice became
the air's song.
while creation held its breath,
the maker smiled gently and
resoundingly
into the breaking of
that sky.
because love and deep RED rescue had been embraced.

(for this too, the lamb was slain.. that
children could dance under yellow streams

of light

and these songs
could be sung that once cried for their harmony.)

this waves-crashing, sun ragingly surpasses
that familiar cold luring
and craved marination.
we always crowd so aimlessly..
but today's compass sung
to me.
and i remembered.

i've been reeled back with such a pulse
and flames of a love once etched deep

on my hearts tablet

and blended true
in the marrow
of my bones.
and now i stand found.
and walk the streets alive.

though sometimes my head is found hung in shame,
you gently.. with the heartbeat
of constant..
set my eyes open with the morning dew.
just when sting and thick clouds begin
to settle.
but as the daughter in the garden
(in softest of greens i'll sit)
days will pass.

..days will pass.

and with new found rhythm

i'll find the moments sacred to

sit in the middle.
by that dug up key.
under that deep red canopy.

for the banner over me is Love.

ten thousand hearts just the same will be my sisters
and brothers
because of it.

here i'm found.

hallelujah we've been found.

2010-07-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

..because i know the

one

who wrote the

love song of

create.

(caught off guard by the reflection of my own hand)

i truly believe

there's life in these fingertips.

in a way far beyond sheer practicality.

today's love song sits in the stillness of

yet- to -be- unleashed

fervor.

with so much

life abounding

it's almost humbling to claim

any part for myself.

but i must.

and so must you.

it always leaves me speechless when i see yet

another new breathtaking

variation

LIGHT

has done on an object

or piece of creation..

but knowing Jesus. the essence thereof,

it really makes

all

the sense

in the world.

2010-07-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

2010-07-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

warm summer day

warmwarm summer

day.

but its cold in my room.

SO cold in my room.

(there's a tune to this in my head. but i can't convey it on here.)

hm.

nothin to blog about lately.

ok false.

too lazy to blog lately.

kathleenruthporter is gonna be walkin through my door tonight.

so THAT'S NICE.

ok.

ohhh i just heard thunder.

maybe it'll be a RAINY summer day.

so much better!

gonna go fetch a sister and go down to the creek.

enough failure at songwriting for one afternoon. ;alsdkjf

(way too much caffeine for one day too. slow down marygrace. seriously.)

i miss my winter dts.

but good news. just bought a plane ticket to sweet home montana last night.

bam.

i'm ta cited.

mk. ciaoooo.

june. 21. 2010.

2010-06-21T19:15:00.001-07:00

and now i know..
that mama's written letters
and daddy's soft tears (and burning pursuit)
taught me how
to truly feel.
to cry like this is to have tasted light.
and to know how
to long.

sometimes.
when sisters enter the room so carefully
or when i notice i've chosen my flowiest dress..
i remember how deeply sweet it is to feel
lovely.
(thankyou dad.)
i think it may be necessary (some would
say that's quite a curse.)
but i'd dare say it's a blessing.

"you look lovely today."
funny how it's so simple.
but better yet
"you are lovely."
so many left untold..

even further
you must know.
it'll never hurt to be known..
maybe the sting of being found out will linger for a few..
but oh to be known.
is white
feather's soft to
rest on.
and room to run.
(i dare you)
..

and onto the story of standing
behind
that counter.

..
sometimes its nice.. when fresh
strangers
help you to remember free again..
like today's boy that loves spoonfulls of honey and standing
true
in the rain.
(so unafraid.
of cold stares.
and wet hair.)

or 4:00's visitor
(oh, don't let me forget
the crisp candid color
of her air)
who just loved (and maybe needed)
her strawberry delight.
i'll forgive you and let you in
on the secret
that i infact cherished
your short mourning.

or even the morning's girl.
who drenched in delicate design.
knew how to love words too..
as she (buried in ideas and phrases) neck deep
in books piled high..really knew

(just as much as she didn't realize)

that she would really love some truth.
but maybe (i have to trust.) atleast for today,
the sun and it's warm song
will gently (and longingly remind her that she's loved.)

such a scale of wind's lovers today..
stretched from one end
to the other
of knowing the
most desperate truth of
that ancient
renown.
(that they've either found or know they're missing.)

..
golden rescue.
He loves to.

reeling back. reverse of
beyond.
and finding the
frailty
of the heart alive behind these eyes.
all that fell in front of them today.. unannounced. told
stories. she couldn't even fully grasp.
only knowing the true of what she
too seems to
miss.
but more often now
holds so close.
(that lover.)

and here.. arrived at the home of
"what does all
this
really.
mean.?"
when tomorrow's gnawing lists
apparently demand signing.
(on the dotted line)

..

i think once again i'll make my way back
to that hammock of sweet
surrounded.
(remind me to. before the thief steals with distraction)
where the clouds will part
and with the still of
night..
i'll find
the wooden front gate again.
(always so welcoming)
with chilling warmth. and streams of Love's
conversation..

(it's really good to
cry)

mm. yep. sorda back.

2010-06-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

welp. helloo.

took quite a break from this thing.
here i am. back.
in birmingham, alabama. mm. don't mind it. at all.
except for the absence of quiiiite a few of my people.
but on the other hand, quite another few of my people are still here.
so it's nice.

and on that note.. of ya know.. comin home again. here's some snaps of my homecoming. goodthing.

missin hope and the mama.

(but quite a fan of adam and david in this picture. thanks guys.)

oh jose.

oh da babies.

and the extra flamly. awaiting me at home. perfect.

sigh. deep breath. (need those.) switch gears...

mk.

..
.. slightly distracted by.. this music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYIfiQlfaas.

visit. enjoy.

(fall asleep maybe. or write something epic.. or forgive someone. or just bask in the illusive loveliness of it. hmmm. crazy what music can draw out in you. man.) and don't be slow to press the replay button. it's what it's there for.
...

lalalaa...
waterfalls with some incredible people last week was somethin i'm really grateful for lately. (delayed reaction.)
kind of a blur. but so glad that really happened. man.

the summer's been sweet.
i feel like i'm walkin on air. oh dear. maybe not. how do you explain having almost zero responsibility and getting to be with really great people. and resting alot. (creeks and music and writing and reading.) and doing a good bit of traveling. ? yea. somethin like walkin on air.

i just started a new job. slowly gettin the hang of things and enjoyin all the time in between.
here's a little snapshot of my new workplace. i don't complain.

.. more meantime..

and though "3am is the most honest time of day" (melsull.) these thoughts may be honest but so fragmented. sometimes that's all i got.

(here is where some summer rainy afternoons and late nights are spent. never too lonely.) :

....

here i go. (i go.) hands held, we go.

you wonder (wonder)

oh sweet poisons stop. luring.

i'd rather run. into wind. i'd love to learn to run without stopping.

heart beating.. faster.

faster.

i must be alive

(this i know.)

and DROP.

ahhhhh riverside. laid and swiftly

cured.

you call? you call.

yea, that was you calling. soft.

and there it goes...

again.

downhill. stranger than this morning.

morning LIGHT is good to know... and

now i've found.

new rhythm. steppin in. and in and innn.

lonely maybe.

talk to strangers (better than before.)

sweet and fresh you've called.

fresh like mint. yes.

golden streaming. (morning light healing.)

rain is always a haven.

good.

you know?

2010-05-03T02:43:00.000-07:00

rainy days are my favorite.
rainy days.
tell stories.
rainy days. help me remember. i can tell stories.
i have sisters and we love.
i have brothers and we love.

you are a story i can tell.. even as i fight my eyelid's weight.
because apparently, you love me.
crazily.
apparently you are in love with me.
and you're moved by me.
overwhelmed by me with ALL of you. ( whoa. shudder. all of you.)
all of you loves all of me.

i am ancient and i'm now.(i love.)

wow God. pretty mind boggling that such an essence can be our abolute CORE..
our daily bread. and living water.
that such a name. ( Jesus.) so intenionally and crazily weaves
these milions of fallen children
stuck on this dusty brown earth in a
pulsing living desgn of BEING and knowing and love.
of capture and renoun.
of treasure and rescue.
of vallies and highways and bridges and cries.

....
still living and loving. and learning.
in cambodia.
one week left.
see you soon.

2010-04-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

okay. i'm back for a second.
it's so hard to find enough serenity in these internet cafe's to actually think straight and write.
but here's my attempt at an update:

i'm on my 5th week here in cambodia.
and i get a little weary trying to imagine writing about all that has happened. and what God has done here. in and through my team and myself personally.
but this experience has been incredible.
i literally feel like i learn something new every day. about this world, myself, Jesus and how sufficient He is for every ounce of who we are and every grain of this world and all it's brokenness.
He is enough.
truly.

and oh how much i've learned to claim that through my Jesus,
i will not be overcome.
not today or tomorrow.
sometimes it feels like i'm in the THICK of battle. the epitome of warzone.
but that is where the arms of Jesus are the only place to fall and our choice becomes everything.
when i've chosen His arms and reach into that crevace of my heart where i feel devoured by pain. or whatever heaviness it may be that loves to steal my life..
and with the all of me that's left, i take hold of the nastiness that i had started to give my own name.
and i hold it tangibly in my arms and then LAY it. at the feet of my Jesus..
the rain starts to come.. showers then thunderstorms of the way He replaces. the way He restores.

oh when we remember that Jesus is the ALL.
(how do we always forget?) we always forget.
there is a love as STRONG as death.
oh, come BE and remember with me how it's all about Jesus.
it's so good and right when He is our breath.
and we let Him BE the rain that staisfies our thirst.
(He always knew me.)
wrapped in light.

so many days.. so many moments we paddle the boat with our own two hands.
and then we hit the 'finally'.
(He GRACES us with a finally. of letting GO.)
of letting Him become the sun again.
and the sky above.
and our very own gravity.
AHH when Jesus becomes the love of our eyes.. the river in our hearts deep canyons.
the well that we drink from.
there's so much in store.

ohmy children.
who i am is more than you'll ever know.
more. than you'll ever know.
so just be.
keep being the ALL of your heartbeat.. followed to the furthest of those reverberations..
i'm there.
ilove.

i love.
i love you children.

....

it's been such an adventure.
a story of finding HOME in His love and what freedom that brings in all the other areas of life.
He's been giving me transformed perspectives of how to love and be loved.
solidifying.
giving me experiences that become rock solid ground to stand on. showing me how He truly is my strength. and letting me SEE that i will not be moved. claiming authority in that strength because now there's no question of whether the Jesus in me will have victory and bring something so much better.. fulfilling.. right. TRUE. to whatever situation i'm in.

He's letting me be a vessel of tangible tasteable love.
in most everything i do.. i can feel the love of Jesus flowing through me.
it's like He'll give me an almost painful ABUNDANCE of it that i can't help but spill it on these children i play with or the students i teach dance to.
it's not me or my strength, but it's Jesus in me.
more than i've ever known.

i get to teach dance monday through saturday here.. crazy. i teach mostly modern but oh what a joy it's been. never woulda imagined.

i've played with kids.. fed them.. cleaned lice outta their hair.. and loved them. countless days.
i've taught numerous dance classes (and had to run to Jesus for strength most every time when the heat and exhaustion feels like too much.) but then found absolute refreshment in it.
i've traveled to an extremely remote villiage and met and poured into and was overwhelmingly blessed BY these people that i shoulda NEVER gotten to know.. but Jesus just so crazily brought us together.
i've hiked for 3 hours to the peak of a mountain and then swam in a river and sat INSIDE a crazzzy waterfall. (!!!) literally magical experience. at one point i was even behind the waterfall watching it fall in front of me. and joseph and adam will know what that reminded me of.
(haha. feature films.)

ahhh. i've worshiped on rooftops, and danced on rooftops during worship.
i've seen a woman's back be completely healed through the power of Jesus coming through prayer.
i've seen a cambodian woman absolutely in torment.. lying on the ground of her straw house on stilts... screaming and flailing in pain from an evil spirit that was inside her and then, through fierce prayer , seen the light and PEACE of Jesus sweep over her and rock her gently to sleep after hours of torment. (He will overcome.)
i've preached a sermon in a church in the villiage and watched Him and all His faithfulness take OVER when i chose to step out in boldness.
i've been wrecked by His love for these precious people and i'm learning how to share it in all that i do.

i've seen Him restore and move in relationships like never before.. in my team and in my relationships with those of you i can't be with right now.
learning so much about the grace that He has on relationships and the supernatural way He mends hearts even deeper through distance.

oh i could honestly keeeeep going with all that i've learned and the things i've seen here.
the journey here in cambodia is more than half way over, but i can taste in my bones it's only the beginning of this crazy adventure and journey i'm on with Him.

i think that's all for now. ( though it only skimmed the surface of all that's happened here and ways He's moved.. but that just saves stories for all the coffee dates with yall when i'm home.)

i'm off to a team meeting.
love
marygrace.

(more to come later.)

Jesus is alive. and forever moving. making all things new and holding us closer than we even realize.
our Jesus is so good. i just want EVERYONE to know....

a quick photo update.

2010-03-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

okay here is a random spew of pictures:

this is morgan and i on a walk home from the slums one afternoon.

a precious boy in the slums.

hilarious little girl in the slums. (unreal experience.)

a HUGE salamander thing on the wall of our kitchen one night after dinner.
a;slkdfj

precious little girl's foot at Kalyan's.

our team playing with some of the kids at Kalyan's.

okay don't dwell on this nastiness.. but these are my "hobbit feet".. swollen after 2 days of traveling.

all the kids lined up to watch our drama at Kalyan's.

clothesline.

hanging with some of the girls at Kalyan's ministry.

drinking some coconut water straight out of a coconut.

traveling with samm.. almost to battamabang.

after going through immigration.. finally entering Cambodia.. (about 10 days ago.)

the end. for now!
love.
from battambang.

2010-03-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

so i made it to Battambang, Cambodia.
it's saturday morning here, and i think we arrived here on thursday. who knows. a few days ago.

here is a speedy update from this ghetto little internet cafe in downtown battambang. :

day 1:
"i feel loved by the wind tonight.
Jesus loves through the wind."
flying down the freeway in the open back of a pick up truck in the thick air of Bangkok, Thailand.
we have almost arrived.

day 2:
"today was such an adventure.. my feet are swollen from the heat and blood rushing to them.
sheesh.
it was a LONG day.. lots of walking and carrying.. but lots of riding too.. we're pros at that now.
just took a freezing cold shower though it was so refreshing, i just might form a habit of doing it daily. we'll see.
Thailand is BEAUTIFUL.
Thailand is hot.
Cambodia is (where i am)
Cambodia is hot.
there are so MANY beautiful people here, i don't know how to handle it.
i wish i could speak khmer."

day 3.
"this morning is new. Jesus i love you and want more of you today."
---

i feel so lavished.
being alive here.
everything is raw.
relationships.. despite the language barrier.
the streets, the dust, the sounds.
the children.
the children.
dagger.
all of it.

looking out the window to my right all these beautiful (brown) people are flying past on motos, an older woman dressed in her clashy frumpy, sweet oufit walks carefully down the street with a basket of fruit on her head. the heat is almost choking.. but doesn't distract too much.. and i'm running out of time in this cafe.
goodbye for now.

sorry for the choppiness of the post.

so.

2010-02-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

into fulfillment.. i've climbed..

for years i've strived.

i think you have too.

(i know.)

so we've strained and torn to meet those places where all would be right.

all would make sense. finally.

mountain's peaks became our napping place

and the road our new home

and those books.. we knew like the back of our hands.

all dripping in the preciousness of "experience"

yet here i stand. with all i've tasted

behind.

and at the starting gates for this brand new glass of sweetly blended flavors

of all i've longed for. (so i thought.)

and i can't seem to gather the heart or the soul.

because here i've found that we've all been fooled.. all mere objects of deceit of this domain we've called our home.

and in our blindness,

we've missed the most of why we've cried..

the deep of why we cringe..

if only we had known which well to go diving in..

it was just.

next.

door.

because this man i've met.. this one seems to know.

on a level far beyond anything me or you or your brother could have conjured up.

He seems to breathe into my very being.. gently.

something words could never capture.

or harmony unveil.

it's the song of our very own "YES." in our souls..

that i can't cry to you and you can't cry to me.

something that must be made from the most of intimate..

that place deep and far inside where finally

i feel captured.

finally i feel known.

this is the 'it' that i've been waiting for.

it's nice to know now too.. that i can be full..

in a way that always keeps me coming back for more.

and now to gather the heart and the soul at this gateway is effortless.

because something much truer fuels this fire i can't seem to get rid of.

this fire that i've never wanted to let go..

goodmorning february 22.

2010-02-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

don't let me forget the feel in your eyes.

don't let me.

you say i'm the rhine to you.. so river i'll embrace.

forever in my midst.

forever.

(is reason to sing.)

this is what you are in all of your breaths.

you.

(transform with all of you, all of me.)

let this day be released into a heart so BEYOND.

oh the way i'm shaken when all falls dim but the reality of a love so deep..

one we're called to drown in.

i'll choose a canopy of this kind of passion

and oh that i have a choice.

(forgive me for the way i've already obliterated sacred this morning.. but oh how you love to restore.)

in your bleeding pursuit, you've captured me.

captured us..

beckoning us into that burning light of DAY.

(all things good, all things new.)

so that our essence can become the tail end of your breath.

so soft.

so real.

heart wrenchingly.

{thankyou.}

more streams (of)

2010-02-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

Psalm 30:

for you have DRAWN me up and not let my foes rejoice over me!

you have DRAWN me up ! up. UP.

you have NOT LET my foe rejoice over me..

over me..

...

come be the fire.. FIRE INSIDE of me, come be the flame up on my heart.. come be the fire inside of me until YOU AND I ARE ONE.

Jesus. Jesus. are you alive? are you in this very room right now, Jesus?

i wanna feel you.. or do i need to rest and rejoice with faith that you're among us.. YEA. YEA! written in red.. Matthew 18:20: where two or more are gathered IN MY NAME, there i am among them.

oh i need you like the rain. you are summer rain to me, Father you are that sense of BEING in a warm summer rain. the feeling not just of refreshment and waterfall love, but of newness and green.. and life.. and warmth and comfort and sweet mud between my toes.. the taste of adventure.. the TASTE of the moment.. immersed. IMMERSED and drenched .. oh you. ohhh YOU. my creator. You, that IS love in all it's fullness.. you are color to me

and the depth of rich arrays of all sweet.

meeting. meeting in a strangeness that you KNOW i've longed for always. oh. but always. always is your essence..

the epitome you've captured.. you are so far form touch.. you are AROUND. pulsing. you're alive. ALIVE.. i'm glad you chose mystery.. i don't like boring.. you don't like BORING.. oh lulls.

you've captured the boring of lulls though and transFORMED them into lingerings of richness and meaning..

(your words! your words are the BEST.) i love the taste of your light.

GOLDEN.. only your light could be golden. only your light would melt instead of sting. you've overcome STING and oh how you soften. thankyou for SOFTENING. ah, you are the REVEALER.. i love how you unveil.. and drop your fragrance of long awaited knowing as sweet mystifying changedness arises.

OH THIS is walking into new life. NEW LIFE! this is you taking my hand and dancing with me into the golden BURNING soft light of DAY.. and oh to know that his isn't a treat for just today but how your HEART has longed for my mine to live eternally..

(i've been found in the arms of love.

.. yea.

if you're lookin for me, i'll be found in the arms of love.)

PORTLAND.

2010-02-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

(quick summary: we spent this past week as a DTS in Portland working with the different ministries in the city and also spending a lot of time reaching out to the homeless in the city. it was an incredible time, both stretching and exciting. looking back on the week, i've felt like my perspective has changed, my horizons widened, my boldness increased and confidence built and my heart has expanded to say the least. it was a beautiful opportunity. this is such a sliver of the story of my week, but i thought i'd just copy and paste from my journal on monday.)

----

journal entry: february 8, 2010.

walking the streets of Portland, Oregon.

today: adventure.

boarded the Max with a team of about 14 and got off a few minutes later at the infamous Pioneer Square.

with Becca Nudelman as my partner for the day, we set off, walking the sidewalks with a sensitivity and awareness on high.

our first encounter was with a homeless man named Toby,

"will either of you 2 beautiful women spare some change fora hungry man? i'm so hungry."

"well, i have some food," says Becca as she pulls out a brown paper bag full to the brim with various snacks / sandwiches..

"thankyou, THANKYOU. God bless you.. i just wanna thank you for giving me your food."

then after talking to him for a minute about how he's doing, Becca procedes to tell him that we're Christians.

"I am too.. kinda.. i mean, i know Jesus and.. yea.."

we then pray for him, he thanks us through his tears and we're on our way again..

ahh, Becca was so natural at this she just flowed. soft and strong. the whole day.. my eyes were on her as i silently captured every technique of hers. (admiringly..)

a few blocks down we walked, taking in the freshness and radiance of the beaming sun and abnormally warm weather.. each step felt sweet..

praying as we walked.. for both our families and the lost hurting souls of the city..

our next stop was Stumptown Coffee..

the place was spacious, artsy and sweet..

sorda.

it took only a few moments to pick up on the void that lay there though. Becca described it as a gray "fuzziness" that lingered above them.. SUCH beautiful artistic expressive people.. that KNEW the concept of expressing. but were still so empty.. late at night when they were alone or in those "in between" moments of the day, they were sullen.

so painfully aware of their LACK.

so, we sat on the corner couch and prayed over the place.. Becca's eyes welling up with tears as she took it all in ( and mine welling up as i thought about my brothers.).. at the end of the prayer, my heart had been jolted.. and just the thought of living and breathing and interacting as a PART of my God's work excited me.. and all of a sudden, i was aware of God's presence in that place..

AHH.. sweet revelation ( hello.)

so after a sweet mocha, we left that place on a quest to find VooDoo Donuts.

after finding the donut shop, buying a couple vegan donuts and whisper praying over the darkness of that place, we hit the streets again, talking to God as we walked.. Becca says "wow.. can you believe allll the hurting people here? God, you love them so much!.. OHH. loook at all those people." she said in almost a groan.

i looked up to encounter what would completely amp this day and our story of encounters.

it was (what looked like from afar..) piles of crowded people.. PILED. on the side of the sidewalk.. as we approached, the scene became so much more painfully real..

characters piled, lining the sidewalk for about 30 ft.. cardboard, blankets, dogs intermingled between the people, sleeping bags, a huge man lying on his back with a dog lying on top of him (kinda disturbing sight).. a line of pierced, filthy, (stoned) people.. women, men, and teenagers. one man standing, took notice of us as we walked by and had the "arms wide open" air about him.

so of course, Becca took advantage of that..

"Hey, how're yall doing today?"

"doing good.. you guys want weed?"

"...ha nah, we're good."

"well, you wanna hug?"

"haha, (awkward silence).. no we're okay."

"well, gimme one anyway!".. and grabs both of us into a (stiff) embrace..

my heart began beating faster and faster..

temperature rising.. fear invading and my SURENESS that i wanted out of this situation ASAP increasing by the second.

But Becca's sureness and unfraid-ness grew and grew.. i could almost feel her heart exploding for these people the longer we stayed..while mine was almost literally (imploding) with fear..

but i honestly couldn't be more grateful for every moment spent with these people today.

and the more i called on God for His peace, the more he drenched me in it. and I was able to be fully present with these people and embrace (LOVE) the situation.

their silent unengaged images were so mysterious and unpredictable sitting along the sidewalk as they mockingly looked us up and down.. but as soon as i reached out my hand and our eyes met, introducing myself and learning their names, the fear shattered and they became precious, hurting souls.

they were: Brian, Frizz, Adrienne, Jeff, Erin and the most precious Cloud (adam). (these were the few we spent most of the afternoon with.. there were so many more crowding in and around us.)

i felt a special love for Cloud that I think he knew too.. as we would make eye contact through the time there.

After a few minutes, we got down on the ground with them.. and essentially became apart of the pile. Adrienne was outspoken and friendly, eager to meet us, but after a few minutes, her demeanor changed as she bluntly asked us "who we were with".. after picking up on the fact that we were Christians, she accused us of being 'on duty'.

Becca responds "I've never thought of what i do as a 'duty'... this is just.. life."

"But you mean to tell me, you're NOT sitting here right now, trying to represent some higher being?" she asks sharply and accusingly..

".. always." Becca says.

"... alright.. i respect that." she says.

Adrienne TESTED our "religion" intensely as she spewed about random aspects of society and trips she'd taken to the east coast.. all the while clearly showing respect for our "religion."

she is a sociology major and her mind as SHARP as possible for an addict on the street.

at one point during her 30 min Thomas Jefferson, NYC, society.. etc. rant, she stopped dead in her tracks "... f---, you guys are actually listening to me? nobody ever cares about this shit.. but this is what i love talkin about.. okay! anyway...."

and at another point, she comments while insulting monotheism.. "i can see the beauty in your eyes (Becca) and i can see the curious questions in yours (me).. " "...but there comes a point where your God is yours and mine is mine.."

.. i turn to my right and my curiosity of what this quiet Erin girl is hiding and writing is satisfied as she exposes her art.

"are you an artist, Erin?"

"i mean.. i like to draw.."

"Ah, sweet, i love art.. can i see?"

"sure.." and she hands me her notebook. page after page of intricate designs, i flip through as the potent smell of weed lingers in the air and permeates my clothes and skin.

a pipe is passed down the line as each new taker HACKS ferociously.. eyes watering, face red and almost gasping for air when the painful words "AHH, that is the sound of happiness.. " drop like a brick in the moment and ring in my ears for the duration of the day..

cloud and Frizz notice my interest in Erin's art and begin to open up about theirs too..

"I had some stuff like that.. some of my work, but it got stolen." Cloud told me..

"Ah. that sucks. i'm sorry.." genuine and sorry eyes meeting with his, who seems to graciously accept the sympathy and dwell in it for a few seconds..

".. but i don't mind as long as people are hearing my story. cause i don't write about women or partyin or this shit (the drugs) i write about LIFE.. i write about what's real.. when i'm hurting (as he point to his gut..) i write.. i think i woulda DIED by now if i couldn't."

AHH.. DAGGER. buddy. i know.

the look in his eyes was heartwrenching.. and i felt his pain for even just a moment.

"expressing yourself is SO healing sometimes, isn't it? it's VITAL."

he looked straight at me.. "YEA." he says with passion and weight.

and we high five. so strong and connected.

on a lot of levels.

there was a sweetnees about this new friend, i really liked him.

Cloud has been homeless for "alot of years.. ALOT of years.." ever since he was 8 and was beat by his stepdad, he learned to steal as soon as he left home and hit the streets. he's been stabbed several times, gotten teeth knocked out.. beaten and put in jail.

Cloud (Adam.) hurts.

(Becca) "Do you stay fed, Cloud? or are you hungry?.."

he smiles.. "nah.. i eat. everytime i'm hungry, i start singin about my life.. and not 30 minutes later, somebody comes by 'man, you look like you could use some food.'.. hahaha and it never fails!"

oh sweet adam.

before we left to go downtown today, i saw a picture of a man with a dog on a picnic table bench with a drum in my mind.. and i felt like i was going to find him out in Portland today..those were the more flaky aspects of this man in my mind that i already had a heart for..

but, what i knew that i knew about him that i didn't express to the team was that i would know when i saw him because he would be beautiful to me.. in all his essence. and his eyes would captivate..

as soon as i offered Cloud my donut at the beginning of that afternoon right after coming upon the crowd, i noticed his eyes. and from then on, i was sure this was the man that i was supposed to find..

..Frizz was awesome.. showed me his art that he says he does when he's trippin and gave it to me before he went back to playing with a CD, reflecting the light of the sun onto things and people. . mesmerized for hours.

Frizz was sweet. happy. LIGHT.

Erin was 18. homeless since last summer..

cause of "stupid shit". tired of home life..

she hurts. smeared makeup.. greasy hair.. dirty (violated) but beautifully innocent.

when Adrienne left to go get a donut and it was time for us to meet back with the rest of our team, we asked to pray for them.. and they openly agree.

Becca prays sweetly over them and then it was my turn.. i wanted to pray for each one specifically.. and as i did.. each by name calling out the characteristics, i'd seen in them, Frizz smiled and laughed a little, Cloud held out his hands and teared up and smiled and Erin stayed stiff with a few harsh tears coming out the corners of her eyes.

they thanked us, Erin pulled the blanket up over her faced and laid down and we went on our way..

....

.. wow God. your children and your CHILDREN. hanging out for a little while.

i pray they tasted your love.

stream of consciousness.

2010-02-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

today is monday again.

new week.

i'm still mourning the loss of our last speaker and all that he brought to light.

last week was a story of absolute rest in God's heart for me. (andyou.)

more revelation of how DEEP He knows me.

i literally felt my roots running deeper and wider as He showed me more and more of Himself and I was able to find more ground in WHO i am.

because of His love for me.

my wrist has the words "known. understood." written on it. in bold black.

those reminders alone have helped soften and ground me every time i see them.

(it's so comforting to be known.)

and i'm not just holding to those words as something that others have TOLD me is true, but is actually not very real to me...

no.

He's spoken to me directly and clearly and SHOWN me how well He knows me.

and those moments with Him have been the most groundbreaking of this solidifying time for me.

He is so constant.

we have a new speaker this week. she's so young but absolutely overflowing with profound truths because of her intimate walk with God through the thick and THIN.

one thing she said today that really describes a common aspect of the rhythm of these past few weeks of my journey really hit me. she said "i was destroyed with the reality of Emmanuel.."

wow.

the REALITY of emmanuel.

emmanuel: God WITH us.

yea.

despite our emotions.. how we FEEL.

despite the apathy or numbness that seems to invade sometimes..

He is emmanuel.

with us. constant.

so ridiculously. ROCK solidly consistent in the midst of all our INconsistency.

and another thing that really sunk in when she was speaking was that alot of times, we are SO hyper focused on waiting on God to show up in one area of our lives... in accordance with what we WANT in that moment.. and completely miss the way that He's showing up in another area..

He knows. He knows. what we need.

His eyes have never left us.

that's kinda incredible.

i don't wanna miss His LIFE in and around me.

i don't wanna be asleep to it anymore.

...

ok. dinner soon. gotta run.

but if nothing else, let this sink in your heart as Chad (our speaker from last week) says:

"I am known THROUGH. and God loves the dickens outta me.."

haha GOOD.thing.

monday.

2010-01-25T23:11:00.000-08:00

ahhh. so like my facebook has already stated...

i'm refreshed.

today we started a brand new week.. titled The Character and Nature of God.

obviously we've only experienced one day..

but this speaker's approach to teaching is in absolute harmony with the way my mind works and processes and views life.

my heart was on the verge of exploding after our first lecture with him this morning.. it's just so sweet. and (REFRESHING) to get a glimpse of God's heart for His children through this lens.

he talked about how MANY christians today live such a dualistic lifestyle.. totally separating their "spiritual life" and the "secular world". (like they must be different people in the different settings.. and that because we're Christians, we're able to "tap into" this other realm that is completely untouchable by people that don't know God.)

chad (our speaker) challenged us to OBLITERATE this mindset.

that God is sooo much more dynamic than that!

He's living and breathing IN and THROUGH every single. aspect of life. !

and our approach should not be to WEED OUT the sin and unrighteousness in the world.. but allow the WHEAT in the field (us) to just grow WITH the weeds.

(being the salt and the light of the world.. encouraging the restoration of life among us) and leaving the "weeding out" to Him.. which is actually His sweet SWEET plan of redemption.

ahh.. what beautiful perspective.

it just opens us up to LOVE more freely.. seeing every person as the absolute potential that they hold and working with them to restore all that's within.

truly seeing each other (despite the other's faith or lack of it) through the truth that they too were created in the IMAGE of God.

this is good.

this is broadening our landscapes of living.

ohh it's gonna be a good week.

(samskeyti is like rain at dusk. good place to melt.)

2010-01-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

ok. really gonna get better at this.

the past 3 weeks has been..... FULL. to say the least.

i've just started to catch my breath.. or maybe just get into the rhythm of all of it.

every. single. day is a different story. of God revealing something new to me.. either about Himself. or about me and the way He made me.

it's such a fire hose of truth... which makes it hard to take in.. and some days i feel just completely blown away by all of it.

a friend actually described it perfectly the other day when remembering this time in her DTS a few years ago..

she said it feels like all of the truth we're learning is like a huge pool of water and your trying to pick it all with your hands alone and it's just so hard to hold.. most of it seems to just keep slipping through your fingers.. but we just want ALL of it!

exactly.

i've already filled up an entire 70 sheet college rule notebook. front to back.

the amount of NOTES i'm taking is ridiculous.

but all that to say, i'm so HUNGRY. i just want it all.

want it all to absorb into my bones. but it's just not possible.

however, it's not THAT hopeless. i'm still absorbing a ton of it...

and i can literally feel myself being REFINED. in the fire.

yes.

it hurts some days.

(alot of days.)

but others it's like a waterfall...so refreshing.

and so many parts of me are screaming "FINALLY."

ahhh.

yea.

i couldn't be more grateful for this season. this opportunity.

here are a few of the things that have started to change me:

GRACE. initiated entirely by Him. He ran to us. and drenched us in grace.. full acceptance. before we could do anything about it.

we are entirely STAINLESS. righteous. perfect to Him through Jesus's BLOOD.

(okay.. alot of these may seem like "old news".. but that's what's been SO BEAUTIFUL! He's taking me back to the GROUND of all i've ever known. and shining such a NEW sweet RICH light on all of it. and it's penetrating and sinking in a way that makes my mind spin. and my body seriously tremble when i think of it. a;lskdjf. sheesh. it's so good. )

my works are NOTHING.

they're crap.

really. truly.. WORTHLESS. if they're done as a means to win His love instead of an overflow of my love for Him.

.. how can you try to please someone who STARTED OUT in overflowing hysterical abounding love for you?

ahhh.. a;slkdfj. ha. He's good.

okay.. whoa. this could take hours.

God speaks to all of us. no doubt about it. He never runs out of things to say to His children..cause His heart is so huge for all of us.

our problems are the amount of things that (we allow to) get in the way of hearing Him.

and i could write a novel of what i've learned in this area.

but i will just say that i know i've heard His voice for years. (it's soft. still. always accompanied with PEACE.) and that He's showing me.. not only how to be more attentive to it now and how to be more confident in it, but also how He wants to USE me through what He speaks.

hm.

it seems all i can come up with to say these days is He is so GOOD.

and it's not ALL i know about Him, but my heart just wells up with so much when it comes to Him that all i'm left able to say is that

HE IS SO GOOD.

and i will leave it with those 3 small (but HUGE) things for tonight. and begin the project of letting yall into more of what i'm learning starting next week..

----

slain.

redeemed.

oh great canyon

of light.

withdrawn from the slavery where i've been hiding.

(reach deeper still.)

i will press on.

birars slay my so carefully

protected brokenness.

OPEN SPACES.

where breathing room and the peace of rain

filling each space

lies ahead.

you are my promised land.

oh, this is pressing on.

and falling in.

(waterfalls of thrashing truth, both pain and soothing. )

oh brothers, hold.

sisters cling.

what a road we've chosen.

NO.

what a road laid before us from one who chose US.

for the entirety of our beings

to embark down.

i will.

slain. torn. (only to be HEALED.)

this.

is the good way.

----

mmm. "let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is as sure as the DAWN. He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that WATER the earth."

.hosea.6:3.

i just wanna know Him more.

don't you..

wow.

2010-01-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

oh gosh.

blogging.

hellooo.

joke.

...dagger. my brother's (joseph's) voice just came singin through my headphones and my whole self just cringed. (a 'miss him bad. and this voice is more than sweet' kind of cringe.)

so yea.. this blogging thing has definitely overwhelmed me.

this is a different montana story than last time.

a good thing.. but just a liiiittle more intense that when i imagine blogging, i make an excuse and push it to later.

and later has been "whenever i get my computer in the mail."

got it in the mail today. so i guess it's later.

and i'm even more overwhelmed.

and i also just said to myself "marygrace. go to bed by 1:00."

and i have a strong urge to obey myself. which gives me 8 minutes to finish this first post.

pretty promising to be good, dontcha think.

yea.. this is basically my little introduction to the few of you that follow that i

AM alive.

and will write soon.

for now, here is a picture of me and a few of the girls i spend my days with.

they're GOOD ONES.

sheesh.lemme tell ya.

beth. (arkansas)

me.

MANNA. "ya know, like food from heaven. my mom just dragged the word right outta the bible and named me with it." hahaa. that'd be my awesome roommate. (thailand.)

katy. (minnesota.)

and mel. (massachusetts.)

oh. and note my sweet pullover sweatshirt thing. pretty precious article of clothing.

so grateful for adam sending that little surprise.

no small thing.

okayyy. i'm gonna write for real SO soon.

God is so good.

He's just GOOD.

whewwwwww.... SO MUCH goin on in this heart and head.

but yea.

this is good.

mk. comin back soon..

love.marygrace.

2009-12-29T01:09:00.001-08:00

"oh Jesus i love you.

but you love me more."

you ARE peace, Jesus.

i need peace. Jesus.

you are.

all i need.

oh Jesus i love you.

(that's all for now.)

2009-12-20T14:19:00.001-08:00

warning: this is long. this is another explosion. (sorta.) and it's sorta my thought process as i thought it.

lately i've been so. aware. of my weaknesses.

it's like this past week or two, either my circumstances or people in my life have made me very aware of the ways that i fall short. constantly.

whether it's disappointing people because of my attitude, the amount of time i spend with them, my failure of following through with most every project, my failure of getting back to people, not showing up for things, not making birthdays special enough (kind of a specific one, but one of the most painful) .. etc.

on top of that i have the extreme measure of disappointing myself. perpetually. for failing all of these people.

i want to be able to do it all right. (pride)

truly. i do.

and as much as i can say that "yea, i'm human i can't be perfect, i can't BE who i long to be all the time. it's just not humanly.possible." and know that is truth, i STILL subconsciously..

deep down.

REALLY believe that i should be able to.

and that i AM capable somehow, i'm just not trying hard enough. (pride)

well..

besides the truth of the fact that i easily don't try hard enough most of the time, i'm realizing

today..

even in this moment as i'm typing..

that i am wholly.

broken.

i am wholly NOTHING.

without Jesus.

and even though a few days ago, i wrote the line "the only thing that is good in me is Jesus" and i knew it was true,

i'm grasping it even deeper today.

and MEANING it.. even more wholeheartedly.

i just.

fail.

i fail i fail i fail.

i fail to follow through, do what i say i'm going to do, have a good attitude or happy spirit, to LOVE.

all of it.

and it's been kindof heavy. meaning, when i come face to face with another one of these stinkin weaknesses i wanna just get. AWAY. go drive. retreat to my room. something. (instead of being sorry for them.. pride.)

but i certainly don't like myself enough in those moments to be by myself. so i just get stuck.

and the only thing left to do is run to my Father. (and sometimes i do.. but sometimes i don't. and i just wallow in all of it.)

bahhhhhh.

i wanna be so much better!

i wanna be a better bible study leader.. speak more eloquently. convey my feelings more concisely and inspiringly. (pride)

i wanna be a better sister. be sweeter. be more encouraging. SLOWER TO ANGER. quick to build up. i wanna pour into my little sisters so much more than i take the time to.

i wanna be a better friend. be better at keeping in touch. more intentional about praying for them consistently. better at showing them how i love them.

i wanna be better at telling people how i feel.

i wanna be (need to be) so much better at relationships.

i wanna be softer.

humbler.

i wanna have the right things to say.. the profound things to say.. the perfect truth to share when people come to me with their hurts/pains/frustrations. (pride)

i wanna be a better daughter. more respectful. more intentional about praying for my parents and encouraging them. i don't encourage them enough.

i wanna be more on top of things in general. like this endlesssss to-do list that i have. that i never seem to make a dent in. (sending in apps, cashing checks, sending thankyou letters, meeting with people, buying supplies for an event)

but every. SINGLE. day... it doesn't seem to fail. i disappoint someone. i hurt someone. i fall so short.

and i'm truly sorry. (even though it doesn't look like sorry sometimes, and i'm initially defensive of myself.. go figure (more pride).. i really AM. sorry).

but i think i hit a peak today. of absolutely too much failure.

and i found myself curled up on my bed. just trying to go to sleep.

i guess so i'd forget or something..

yea right.

so i gave up on trying to fall asleep and decided to FACE IT.

to face all of this failure and decide what the heck i do with it..

and i guess i'm learning that this is the painful process of being humbled.

being very acutely aware of all my failure. and grossness.

that maybe i've been blind to..

because pride is SO blinding. it closes SO MANY doors for Jesus to enter in and live and breathe through me. it's such a story ender. (ruiner.)

so i'm falling into this failure. i'm embracing it. (in a way)

not to say that i give up. and that i'm embracing the fact that i'll never FULLY be who i wanna be, so i should just quit trying.. and not let all this failure effect me..

no.

i embrace the fact that I. marygrace.

will always fall short.

will always fail people.

so in humility, i have to learn to accept that.

that Jesus truly IS the only good in me.

that because of my humanity, i will never be able to do it all.

but. because of my love for the One who made me, i'll continue to strive.

not for a perfect show. where i'm always able to please everyone..

but to know Him more.

to become the woman He desires me to be.

and become more like the one He sent.

"Be still and know that I am God."

"He is faithful to the END. faithful to my heart."

He is always. GOOD. and His love endures.

now THAT. is peace.

that is a refuge to run to...

just that knowing.

a place where the things of this world really do grow strangely dim. in the light of His glory and grace.

i can fall asleep to that.

2009-12-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

just for the sake of being real.

i'm taking this opportunity where i don't have much perspective and i'm pretty swept by emotions alone.. to write.

maybe express. probably not fully.

probably not even gonna scratch the surface.

yea just decided.. not going to.

my heart just hurts right now.

actually kinda ticked.

pretty impatient.

don't wanna be around anyone.

annnd on top of that i'm workin on a piece of art for a christmas present.

with zero inspiration.

what a devastating reality that even if it's just for a few moments.. sometimes the KNOWING of Jesus' love doesn't seem enough to these selfish human hearts.

DANG.

that hurts too.

alright. ending this.

sorry for the explosion of negativity.

rainy.

2009-12-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

i love this weather.

the misty foggy grayness that makes you wanna drink coffee and write and burn incense.

or just stand in it.

i love the smell of these crushed spices Hope gave me.

i love smelling things in general.

sometimes it's weird. haha josh and cars especially hate this love of mine.

i am nothing. without Jesus.

really.

nothing.

tonight i went to the Behold the Lamb of God christmas concert for the 3rd year in a row.

i took my little sister Abigail with me and met up with my Aunt Amy and cousin Julia.

the whole night was sosweet.

started with driving through the fog with Aba in the passenger seat in complete GLEE. haha. seriously. she was giddy. so EXCITED "to see andrew". and sing Matthew's Begats with him.

went to a completely YES time of soaking up every ounce of that Behold the Lamb concert. cried a few times. pure worship. i won't even get started on what andrew peterson means to me. gah. well.. 2 word sum up: childhood and truth.

and ended with driving home with the windows down blasting the song "MY DELIVER IS COMING, MY DELIVER IS STANDING BY!" hahaa through the streets of Vestavia at 11pm. Abigail was singing and laughing hysterically the whole time.

sheeeee makes my life with her laugh and joy. totally contagious.

i just.

hm.

this has been an interesting past few days. week. whatever since my last real post.

all i can say is..

prone to wander, Lord i FEEL it.

but speaking of feeling, tonight at the concert i FELT. really all encompassing-ly.

like my WHOLE self just wanted to burst with so much.

sweet resonance, humbling realization of the love i'm drenched in, and TRUTH.

truth truth truth.

we all crave it.

need it.

savor it.

and the saying "that rings true" just describes the sensation of KNOWING. and resonation that resounds throughout your soul when it meets with truth. it rings.

hm.

but i realized too, how much we can choose. to feel.

how much we control whether we are moved. or awakened.

allow.

allow your self to BE MOVED. allow.embrace.

such a door to new places.

i need a savior.

i NEED.

needneedneeeeed. i can. not. live.

without Jesus.

the

only

thing that's good in me is Jesus.

keep crushin my pride.

for THIS i was breathed into being..

to know my Father and to make Him known.

2009-12-12T23:21:00.001-08:00

weddings are so beautiful.

went to my cousin's today.

i cried 5 times.

streamin.

i can't wait for my wedding.

reallyyy can't wait for mine these days.

gosh. God BLESS you, david and deanna.

love yall.

2009-12-04T16:51:00.000-08:00

this harmony unveils.

slowly weaving together the sense of

ALL your meaning.

or more so, your beautifully flailing

yet purposed

mystery.

(hear that drumbeat?)

this is our cue.

hold on no MORE.

just this knowing

HEALS

my fears.

oh HERE i stand, in the golden light

of morning.

in the comfort of rain's constant.

in the truth of BEING.

it's all about awakening.

(well, that's how it seems in this now.

but maybe sometimes it's about standing firm.

or BREAKING THROUGH. breaking free.

or pushing through the pain.

oh, the pain.

sometimes awakening seems so far off.

(and maybe even undesired.) )

but one thing i know is that He came to give us LIFE.

and life abundant. (john 10:10)

and as i type i'm realizing that maybe it is all about awakening.

because with the breakthrough of that awakening, comes a peace transcending understanding.

a peace that softens the sting of everything else.

gosh, how desperately we NEED that awakening.

to the truth of His design.

of His heart for His children.

to the truth of Immanuel. (God.with.us.)

yea.

YEA.

AWAKE, oh you sleepers, awake!

(eph. 5:14)

so much in store.

2009-11-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

again i say..

i need you

like the rain.

{and OH. how i need. the rain.}

drawing back into the thick of you. the intimacy of knowing you. of being in constant conversation.

with my maker.

what.

WHAT.

{again i say.. too good to be true. but TRUTH it is. }

sidenote:

oh baby. eucalyptus aromatherapy hand lotion.

is freakishly soothing. i don't know what's in it. i don't even care.

but you might wanna go to bathandbody works and get some right now.

(and i mightt put some on my face too just so its closer to my nose. to smell perpetually as i sit here and try to write. hahaa. wow. quit judging me.)

sheesh. it's heavenly.

moving on. i was lookin for my journal to copy somethin down and i found the lotion in the process. and now my day is turned around.

...

oh sweet living water.

"the Jesus of prostitutes is chasing my soul."

stirred. in this knowing.

you're awake in the every ounce of this string of

waking.

moments.

what a rhythym! what a pulse.

we lay and we curl up surrendered to the weight of the all. the everything.

but sleep can no.longer be our tempo.

as bright as the fire's aura,

{this love endures FOREVER.}

we'll walk. we'll dance.

up and down the sidewalks.

we won't stop.

join.

join. the dance.

{"will you, won't you?"}

we're walkin in a new day.

walkin in a hope they've never even seen.

i wanna let you taste it.

i wanna let you drown.

{really. you'd thank me later.}

SUNNY roads ahead.

...

so yea, Jesus. back into you.. i'm comin.

goodthing you're already in my room. waitin.

YEA!sweetest relationship i've ever known.

thanks for never leavin.

thanks for no more striving. just knowing. and resting.

{from my depths.}

i want my being to be so purposed again.

so aware.

so sensitive again.

i wanna love so much better than this.

good little saturday.

2009-11-21T16:19:00.000-08:00

got to spend 5 hours with a goodgood friend at my little o'henrys home today.

just soaking. and sharing. hearts.

here's a little product of our time. a little somethin called atomic poetry:

----

pluck the strings. lose yourself in the thread of this breath of eternity. (e)

we're surrounded in the true. and nothing can be stolen. (mg)

more than you'll ever know. ohh just beyond. the wafting spices smoldering in smiles and tears. (e)

let's be miners. dig with me and let our depths be our song. (mg)

lying on the planked dock, breathing the water openly, enveloping, gazing at the black velvet night (net of stars, gentle and delicate, you are too much. ) (e)

oh sweet haven of this unforgettable. here, we wholly are. let's always wholly BE. (mg)

felt-tipped pens explode. (e)

light of all lights, i'll be your tunnel to stand at the end of. carrying. gracing. be the sweet of the dark. (mg)

there's no doubt. these tea bags have steeped for years. (e)

----

oh. and good ole mama bought me an old map of europe at a yard sale today.

love those little treasures.

and best.of.all. the other wolnskis just walked through our door for a surprise visit. if you know anything about these wolnskis, you probably have an idea of what they mean to us.

oh amy and peter. my heart just might explode.

my heart's pretty full.

thankyou Jesus.

what a FATHER you are.

so steadfast. so abundant in your SPILLING of love.

please God, i love you!

marygrace. : )

homesweet.

2009-11-17T23:56:00.000-08:00

ohh baby.

i. am. home.

everything about this place is just, HOME.

every ounce of it is pretty dang sweet to the taste.

in these first few days of my return, i've slowly reunited with all of these aspects and as the reunions happen, my heart just reconnects with it in a sweet resounding tune of remembering and knowing. and loving.

well. that is the overall... sweeping majority of my emotions of coming back. but there are, inevitably, some parts that have been challenging and frustrating upon re-entry.

upon re-entry. haha i don't talk like this. sometimes it just happens when i write late at night.

and hm. i guess i'm updating all my montana loves now. instead of my birmingham ones. weird.

but life is good right now.

i really like this season i'm in.

it's a mixture of re-feuling / being filled up and being challenged / learning to stand my ground in this perpetual battle i'm in.

but i feel like my hand is being HELD the whole way. and there's a sweet peace i'm walkin in too.

the lack of agenda, holiday flavor in the air, abundance of family time and LOVE i feel overwhelmingly drenched in is just.sweet.

i'm just learnin to bask.

i haven't been very good at that before.

but the amount of love i'm drenched in these days has come in such abundance.. from so many different directions and in so many new ways.. that at times, my head and heart are left spinning and i have no choice but to bask in it.

it's a humbling, but sweet.beautiful place to be... and i think what His heart is for us. a major part of His ultimate design for His children. to just bask in LOVE.

hm. goodthing. sweet thing.

oh MY gosh. my cup overflows.

i'll update more when i'm not half asleep.

love yall.

marygrace.

.

2009-11-08T18:14:00.000-08:00

we can wear
just.the right. clothes.
dance the free-est of dances.
in the coolest of places.
all painting the sweetest of pictures.

but how does it really. taste. ?

children, where are your
hearts.

children.
your hearts.

somethin in you screams that you wanna be free.

so.. to what are you bound?

ask yourself.
and when you discover, you'll find me.right.there.
ready to break your chains.

thought.

2009-11-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

and what can i take from this..

(not being able to start the song over on pandora.. but just listen to it from the middle. haha yea sometimes it's the.most.simple things. naturally.)

.....

(calmly softly. don't be anxious. only listen.)

.....

to soak and embrace this moment.. without always tryin to orchestrate the moment to become my own idea of 'the best version' of that moment.

let it be.

sometimes. (and maybe only sometimes)

to let be.. is the beyond beautiful version of that moment.

allowing uniqueness.. the uniqueness of each moment of these lives we live..

to happen. purely.

as it should.

2009-11-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

oh.

i can't describe. His goodness.

more than i've ever everEVERever everrr known in my whole life.. i KNOW the love of Jesus these days.

oh i have been set free.

oh (GOD.YOU ARE SO GOOD.) the shackles have been broken.

as i've been prayin for so LONG now.

our Papa KNOWS our hearts soooo deep and wide. every crevice, He knows.

and His timing is.

so.

beautiful.

i can dance now! i can sing now! i can stomp and scream and DECLARE His goodness and His love because of this SURENESS He's showered me in.

i have just entered into a sweetsweet chapter of my life of being.made.NEW.

and i'm CLAIMING it.

i'm claiming it and walking in it.

i will not be discouraged.

i will not be taken down.

only made stronger. (through the sweet security of Jesus. and my Father's perpetual embrace.)

only have more and more LIFE breathed over me.

ohi'm so tired. (being drenched in the holy spirit is drainingg. haha. but wouldn't trade it for anything.)

...

gonna go just REST in His love.

ahhh the DREAMS He has for your heart, guys.

ohsheesh.

He's just waiting.. run to His throne, brothers.

incline your ear to His whisper, sisters.

and runrun RUUUUN. to our creator.

gah guys... the CREATOR of the universe just wants us to climb into His arms and be held.

to listen to the only UNIQUE story He has for each of our lives.

like no others.

ohyou sweet children.

oh. you are SO beloved.

there is nothing you could do to keep Him from loving you.

to keep Him from wanting you.

(receive it.arms wide open.)

...drowning.

2009-11-03T21:59:00.001-08:00

drowning in His love.

tonight was one of those nights where (if you knew what was coming), you would say "tonight is THE night."

haha and if that wasn't redundant enough i'll say tonight one more time..

(tonight) was revolutionary.

a breakthrough.

and i'm honestly hardly able to blog right now.

i'm so limp.

i'm so weary.

but the BEST limp and weary you could imagine.

the holy spirit was let.LOOSE. in and through and around me.

RADICALLY.

ridiculously.

incredibly.

literally, i feel like putting tonight into words would butcher the beauty of it.

the reality of it.

the thickness and sweetness of it.

the FREEDOM and life of it.

but i will say.. wholeHEARTEDLY.

that i'm so deeply grateful for the holy spirit.

and the way Jesus. (trembling at that name..) lives and breathes and touches and speaks through it.

oh my spirit SINGS for that love.

resonates deep with my creator tonight.

AHHH. we were MEANT for this kind of intimacy. we were MEANT. for this kind of freedom.

we were MEANT to be His hands and feet to spilllllll His heart and His love all OVER the place.

(ask me about tonight. when i come home. too much to put into words right now.at this hour.)

i'm drenched.

i'm drowning.

in this love.

2009-10-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

i bout 5 organic apples, a box of almonds and 1 avocado today.

{officially. influenced by these health freaks. i live with. .. or health lovers may be a nicer way of putting it. : ) }

turnin over a new leaf.

we'll see how long it lasts.

(wolnskis don't even know what avocados are. such a legg food.)

2009-10-30T11:44:00.001-07:00

i love my little hour ish break everyday after lunch.

raspberry hot tea.

with a little bitta honey.

a little cup of ice too.

sweet music.

maybe a little readin.

maybe a little writin.

ya know. whatever i feel like.

it's nice. : )

{oh. and it's cold here.}

.

2009-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

i wish.

i could express.

sometimes Jesus is just so (almost painfully) real.

i can almost see His breath beside me.

and i cling to those moments with all that is in me.

i love the light.

i love light.

LIGHT.

today the sun is shining. and making things golden.

and i (almost) forgot what that looked like.

sheesh.

i need to go on a walk.

i'm so GLAD that i have a potter.

i'm so. glad. i can be soft clay.

i'm so glad i was

made. for love.

to be loved.

to breathe love.

{my Beloved is beautiful.}

this design is too good to be true.

today.

2009-10-12T17:56:00.001-07:00

{and He'll sweep me off my feet. romance me. until He's my first love. i'm ready.}

everything to me.

2009-10-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

here is a ridiculous amount of pictures of my family.

safe to say i've gotten a little homesick today.

and i'm really posting these for myself probably. haha. oh well. (it's somewhat healing. somewhat making it worse.)

that stinkin kitchen. hm. love it.

oh skydda. buddy. i miss you too.

ohh mama. givin some kinda lecture to hope. (yea i remember this exact moment)

love my Dad.

and BREN. holyyy. miss you.

hopie's a natural beauty. love it.

alllll my boysss. what the heck. the best.

oh crocket.

this picture makes me miss davy so much.

he makes me laugh every minute.

(loveyou.)

haha. so there we go.

i miss my family.

yall have so much of my heart.

can't wait to be in the absolute warmth and safety (and laughter) of all that yall are.

goodfriend.

2009-10-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

this is my friend. bethany.

she loves Jesus. so profoundly.

it's contagious.

i'm so thankful for her i could cry.

(pretty sure me getting to know her was a really big part of God's plan in bringing me to montana. i do. : ) )

it's SO. beautiful to me the way that our Jesus is so alive in each of us and the way He uses His children as vessels to knowing Him more intimately.

Bethany's a transparent, pure vessel. and i'm so glad to know her.

just wanted to share her with yall real quick.

(and i didn't even do her justice in this tiny little post.)

"this is what i know."

2009-10-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

well. first of all that little quote makes me miss my family.

second.. it's already 12:30am. and i'm so exhuausted starting out, that this will probably be short and sweet.. i just felt it was necessary for me to write 'in stone' some of the things i've learned and declare them as truth..

to avoid letting the enemy slowly steal my recollection of all of it / confidence in the truth of it.

.. well. since i get distracted by the music i listen to while i write, i'll just share it.

"i believe my eyes will see your kingdom come, your glory will cover the earth. Jesus. Christ. Be glorified. All praises to you for you are the King of the earth."

(yes. i believe.)

also, as for the reason behind my lull in updates.. i tend to write when i'm full and thriving. and the days where i'm muddled and a lot less passionate, i tend to stay silent.

hm.

probably not a great method.. but that's just what's natural.

so. needless to say.. i've been filled. up. today.

this morning i was swept up. and held. so tangibly.

so warmly.

Jesus has truly cradled me through my heart's roller coaster since i arrived here in montana.

i've had hills and valleys, but each time that i'm lifted from those valleys, i can't be more grateful that i was brought through them.

a (dear.dear.) friend of mine sat with me this morning and let me spill everything that was creating suchh turmoil inside of me this past week (ish).

her soft heart and wide eyes. and heart so wide open to all that i had to say was healing alone..

just the chance to speak audibly everything that had been spinning inside me brought to light so many of the lies i've been letting myself believe.

then she drenched me in truth, the word of God, and prayer and sent me on my way to start my day.

: )

hm.

i literally felt the spirit of heaviness and numbness LIFTED off of me..

OH. the power of prayer.

oh. the power of Jesus' blood covering. me.

oh. the POWER. we have alive inside of us.

hallelujah.. ?!

i had a friend pray over me a couple weeks ago and she told me that she sensed that I subconciously believe that God follows through for everyone around me, but He's not REALLY gonna follow through for me too.

at first, i thought that i didn't agree with that.. but the more i thought about it, i realized how really.true. it is.

and that that is something i need to be aware of about myself.. and obliterate in the name of Jesus.

He has never. will never. give up on me.

His arms are wrapped around me.

He hears my cries.

His ear has HEARD my cry.

(psalm 34)

she also sang these words over me.. (so surely. thankyou.)

"turn your eyes upon Jesus.

look FULL in His wonderful face.

and the things of earth shall grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace."

penetrates.

look FULL. in his face.

look fully to Him. with all of me. (all of you.)

look to Him.

wait. on His voice. (psalm 37)

(p.s. this is so far from short and sweet. ohwell.)

also, i have been so. deeply drenched in His blessings and favor that He's given me an earthly father that is such a beautiful picture of who HE IS. as my Father.

would my dad EVER "give up on me".. "get bored and move on".. "not claim me as His own beloved"..

no.NO. times 1000.

i could cry.

what a tangible expression of His character and heart for me..

thankyou. i'm humbled. thankyou Dad. (and Jesus.)

ok, ok. the rest of the truths i need to declare so that i can go to bed.

-------

my time here is so purposed.

it isn't casual in any sense.

He will bring healing within me. to parts of me i don't even realize are broken.

He is NOT done with me.

He allows me to wrestle. to struggle.

(He hurts when i hurt.)

but He is GOOD. and His love endures.

He's unfolding me like a flower.

one petal at a time.

His timing is perfect.

I am a warrior.

I am His bride.

He's jealous for His bride. : )

He is faithful to the end.

He is faithful. to. my. heart.

alleluia.

------

Please God, i love you!

until next time.

(i never say that)

goodnight. : )

marygrace.

p.s. it's SNOWING. winter WONDERland these days.

i live in the midst of so.many. wonderful people.

i am overwhelmed.

i am over.whelmed.

ah.

2009-09-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

who He is..

an Almighty GOD.

not of this world.

yet living, breathing and so PRESENT in our world.

our rooms.

our cars.

our walks and runs..

...what??

i guess it just penetrated a little deeper into my heart this morning

how He's too good to be true.

but He is true.

He IS.

{i'm laying it all down. i'll count it all as loss for the sake of knowing you.}

oh give me the strength to truly count it ALL as loss.

but OH for the sake of knowing you.

another snipet.

2009-09-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

i love my roommate.

(thanks for her, Jesus.)

she's so solid. her presence is so soothing. and she's so fun.

she has a sureness of Him and His goodness seeping out.

anyway.

i thought i'd give a little snapshot of what i'm actually doing here..

go back to the basics. ha. mk.

so i (have the sweet sweet priviledge to) join the DTS in their worship every morning.

which has been a beyond beautiful START to my every day. sheesh.

then i go to the preschool from about 9 -12 every morning.

even though i don't have a huge role working there, i do really enjoy being with the kids and building relationships with them.

now, they'll run up to me at various other times throughout the day around the base and hug me or say "that's my TEACHER!" to their mom or whoever.. haha

they're all so cute. (and i've posted some pictures of them on facebook if ya want a visual of their beauty.)

and since i don't have a huge teeeaching role in preschool, i get to enjoy them more i think. i love watching them while they're learning and just being with eachother. they all have really different personalities, and feel like i learn something new everyday just from getting to know them and watching who they are.. the rawness of the WHO that they are.. in their little 3,4 and 5 year old bodies.

one of the little girls has pure joy. she really does. she giggles. alot. i love that. she just enjoys.

one of the boys is all.BOY. (yea.. that'd be Peter.) i love the way he, in the midst of 7 other girls, he's still all boy. no holdin back. and his sense of humor is hilarious. love him.

another of the girls has SUCH a sweetness about her spirit. so soft. such humility seeping from her at 4. years. old. (gah do i learn from her.)

so yea.. i could keep going, but i'll spare you.. but basically, i enjoy them.

(yes, yes.. sometimes i'm countin down the minutes til 12 so i can go to lunch and be done, but overall it's been a really good thing.)

mooooovin on.

my next duty for the day is working in the kitchen. i go from 2- 5:30pm.

thoroughly enjoy this part of my every day.

really.

look forward to it daily.

the people i get to work with are so.......GREAT.

again again, yea. feel privileged to be a part of that crew.

each of the people bring something so different to the afternoon with all their varying personalities, but its just fun.

we listen to music..

chop vegtables.. stir things.. etc.

and talk alot.

lots of gooood conversations.

gah, just love it.

then we get to serve all the 200 people that come through the line. and that's always fun too.. gettin to see all the faces.

(and they all love you so much cause you're givin them food. not a bad situation.)

thennn after dinner i'm free for the night.

this has turned out so much longer than i planned. really.

thought i was just gonna kinda write out my schedule for yall.

oh well. .. so that's what i'm doin here.. ish.

left out a bunch of things, but it's the gist.

mk.

byye.

: )

alive today.

2009-09-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

i'm so overwhelmed this morning.

so. FULL. of thanks this morning.

even though the base is in slight pandemonium because of the forrest fires that are coming our way, (fair enough) i'm just at such rest that we're gonna. be. okay.

therefore..

i'm sittin in the coffee shop in the student center reading and writing and listening to sweet sweet music. and ENJOYING. (waiting for evacuation updates. : / )

the morning light against the mountains and pines surrounding us is ..alone.. reason for joy.

gosh.

beauty.

grateful.

(oh. and coffee is good. grateful.)

gosh God. hallelujah for morning.

you're here. you're REAL.

you're EVER.

in all that it encompasses. all its wholeness.

" i believe, He is the Christ. son of the living God."

LIVING. GOD.

He is living! alive. stirring. pursuing. active.

(does not grow old. does not grow weary.)

oh. ho.sanna.

Psalm 27:8

{You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, Lord, do i seek." Hide not your face from me. } amen.

and again, I pray, more and more glimpses of you, Father.

the WHO that you are.

the ground breaking mystery. that you are.

the only heart that will never be fully understood.

and the greatness of that.

i want to know you more.

(to KNOW. to know. it's so rich. intimate and fulfilling. i long to know. you more.)

a couple nights ago, I went out to the soccer field really late and laid underneath the sweet montana sky.

ohhhh nothing compares. (except maybe the skies and stars in Sicily.)

but laying under them.. it just feels unreal.

and that woven with some sigur ros.

holyy. yea. good moment.

i really trembled at all of it. He was so unbelievably present and real in that moment.

GOSH.

i can't believe He holds me. every. day.

in all His glory.

He holds me.

alright. again, i'll update more soon.

enjoy today. : )

(i miss you mom and dad. and joseph and adam. and davy crocket. and hope and aba. and sarah. and emily da little. i miss yall alot. 6 more weeks. .. ?! no big deal, right. )

mon.TANA.

2009-09-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

soo. UPDATE:

i live in montana now.. haha. for a minute atleast.

and after some mama encouragement, decided to update on my time here. for myself and yall.

so, it'll be real haphazard and not quite fluid, but it's late and i gotta just get thoughts down on paper.

i'm the ONLY southerner up here. no joke. besides david and mary. we're it.

i've heard word of another alabamian.. but haven't met him. so. yea.

no one understands that my name is mary AND grace.

guess the whole double name's a southern thing.. didn't realize.

so i'm either mary. or grace. or bama.

yea... my lovely neighbors, bingle and lemmon, (who are a whole other story in themselves) started callin me that the first day or so, and it's spread. haha.. kinda cracks me up.

anyway.. so yea. lots of northern accents but i love it.

it's either norther, british, or korean accents that are all up in this place.

i've loveddd the mulit-cultural. ness. of the place too.

i have a good handful of european friends.. holland and england.

and quite a few korean friends as well.

something about the fact that they're from so far.. yet will talk to me about MY Jesus. in their sweeeet little accents. so whole heartedly really does make me choke up a little almost everytime i'm with them.

i've been blessed so deeply by my roommates. both of their spirits are so soft and sweet.

there's just a warmth about them that makes me wanna hug em every time i see them.

ever since i got here, they've been great about helping me get to know people and making sure i'm okay. the sweetest.

everyone here. EVERYONE. here. loves Jesus.

it's so genuine.

so comforting and uplifting. challenging and encouraging.

but the kind of people that come here are the SEEKERS. full fledge. whole hearted seekers.

i've been so TOUCHED by their hearts.

i was sittin down by the bonfire tonight (they have one down on the soccer field almost every night which is probably one of my favorite things.) talkin to one of my friends who is actually on staff here. and we were lookin around the fire and i just looked at all their faces. alot of them i've met and gotten the chance to talk to and i just was so touched that i got to be alive. here. in montana. around that bonfire with THEM. right then.

every one of those faces was so GOLDEN. so real. genuine. and precious to me for various reasons.

the people here are blowing my mind.

i really do feel privileged to be in their presence.

Jesus has already shown me so much.. my journey with Him has continued and i'm prayin, PRAYIN for Him to continue to do a work in me.

my prayer has been recently, 'Break my heart for what breaks yours, Jesus'.

i've always struggled with compassion.

whether it's Sarah crying cause she fell or children starving in Africa, i really have noticed that about myself, that my heart is soooo numb or hard. or something to people sometimes.

and i really don't like it about myself.

so yea, Jesus. break my heart for what breaks yours.

and i've noticed a softening in my heart recently..

my first few days here i felt pretty out of place. didn't know anyone.

and was down right lonely.

i mean.. i'm pretty impatient.. and wanted to have some bff's probably too quickly than was natural.. but my lonely feelings were legitimate i think.

anyway... as SOON. as i surrendered those feelings to my God. and told Him i was willing to be lonely if it meant He would be doing a work in me, I began to see changes immediately. and i mean immediately.

people have walked up to me more and introduced themselves.. invited me to things.. and i've just felt 100% more involved and known.

which has been beyond beautiful. and exciting.

BUT. where i was going with that, was that i feel like He already has used those couple days where i felt lonely to help me be so much more in tune to the lonelies around me.

and given me compassion for them.. and given me a boldness to reach out to them.. even if it means just striking up a conversation..

and just hearing SUCH a variety of stories and people's backgrounds, my heart is overwhelmed.

gosh.

yea.

with how PROFOUND Jesus is.

He's revolutionary.

unbelievable.

the works He does!

His love.

His purposeful direction and intimacy.

the beautiful web He weaves of such different DIFFERENT people with such different stories.

yet brings them all together.

fellowship is so fulfilling.

so rich.

who He is.. it's so mysterious and intriguing.

more and more and more glimpses of you, Father.

more of you and less of me.

my cup runneth OVER.

i'll update more tomorrow.

: )

hmm. : )

2009-09-07T23:30:00.001-07:00

well this is kinda lame how much i let this thing slide.

but i'm back for a minute. for the 2 1/2 of you that read this. haha.

: )

daahhhh.

there are alot. of sweet. moments in my life.

really.

the kind where, even though its normal day life, the rhythm of that moment or the innocence, or out of ordinary-ness or just SOME (sweet) aspect of the moment gives you a lump in your throat.

and things are beautiful and probably in perspective for just a moment.

and maybe i should just start recording them. or somethin.

moment:

Bella Love {yes, that's her real name.} is one of the sweetest littles that i babysit.

i'm in love with her spirit. when i babysat her and her sisters the other night, in the midst of the craziness of her sisters' "show", she crawls into my lap and asks me in a whisper to scratch her back. she's quieter, but there's somethin real solid about her 5 year old self.

and later, when i was tuckin her into bed, with her wide, brown eyes and face stretched into a 'serious moment' look she says slightly outta the blue..

"i DO believe in fairies, marygrace."

(lump in my throat.)

i'm so glad you do, bella.

2009-08-21T10:54:00.001-07:00

i'm here to know you.
i know you.
i am. i am the hallelujah.
don't you know that you cry to be known?
and i know you. i know the fibers of who you are.
and i can't tell you how happy i am.
deep down.
and all around. because of
who you are.
just open your arms.
this isn't new what i'm telling you.
this is last years paper.
just dare to open it again, child.
and i'm beneath the surface. you skim the surface and live
your aliveness all skimming above me.
come find me though.
it may hurt a little.
but more dominantly, you'll
splash in rivers.
of all you've longed for.
you don't realize that i'm what you long for. but i am.
i am.
i am.
and i miss you.
(I am your maker.)

gosh.

2009-08-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just ache. for people. that are aching.
and it hurts.
cause i can't do anything. anything.

no love is higher. no love is wider. no love is deeper.

no love is truer.

(no love is deeper.)

i wish they all knew.
i wish they could all taste it.
i wish me caring could skim even the surface of comforting their hurt.

dahhh.

also. today was such. a good day to be in the rain.
always something penetratingly good about getting to BE in that kinda rainstorm.

also i love my family so much i could cry.
(and i miss joseph.)
and can't wait til mom and dad come home from their little adventure. even though its only been like less than a day.

mk. goodnight. gotta go be a mom all day tomorrow again.

dumb.

2009-08-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

found out this morning after i thought i was having this nutritious breakfast of granola and grapes and blueberries that captain crunch. is healthier than the granola i was eating.

captain.crunch.

i need you like i need the rain.

2009-08-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

and.OH.how i

need.

the rain.

...

pandora + john mark mcmillian = yes. a good night of worship in my room while doing art.

one of my favorite things, really.
been workin on a piece for best friend's new apartment.

maybe i'll post a picture of it sometime. if i actually ever end up liking it.

{praise, praise the Father, praise the Son. and praise the Spirit three in one.}

hallelujah.

!!

.

2009-08-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

over the mountains and the sea.
you river runs.
with love.
for me.

and i will open up my heart and let

the healer.
set.me.free.

i'm happy to be in the truth.
and i will daily lift my hands.
for i will always sing of when
your love came down.

...

i think we miss it alot.
because we've heard it so much.

but there are rivers RUNNING.with love for us.
it's a pretty big love.
and a real love.
(sometimes its more tangible than others.)
but it's always real.
and encompassing.

and i sure don't let it encompass me enough.

i wanna wake up into the sureness of the reality
of this drowning.love.

{psalm 37.}

2009-08-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

delight yourself in the Lord;
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
commit your way to the Lord,
trust also in him, and he will do it.
and He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your judgment as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way..
...but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.

---

waiting sometimes looks like laziness. even though its hard. (but good.)

emily da little.

2009-08-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

and oh gosh.

woke up this morning and as i was rushin out the door, emmy walks downstairs.

she is so. freaking. cute. in the morning. with her hair everywhere. and her wake-up face.

i ran into her when we were both getting water with lots of ice.

then i decided to not rush out the door anymore.

and we sat the kitchen table together across from eachother. and she talked to me.

and her eyes were so blue. and beautiful with the light.

and her hair was everywhere. (fave.)

and she talked alot about how "she loves to have water with ice tonight. and last night." and how "adam was gonna go to the tentist to get his teeth cleaned" (even though he wasn't at all.) and a random "and where's my mom? i need her." every few sentences.

and i can't really explain the facial expressions and everything else about it that made it so hilarious and cute.

but it was.

and i love her.

oh.

2009-08-05T07:10:00.001-07:00

and yea.

this is me. startin a blog.

don't know if i'll actually keep it up.

but i just liked the idea of puttin my thoughts and randoms somewhere.

that wasn't facebook.

and that had color.

and sweet fonts.

gooood morning.

i have a crick in my neck cause i slept on the 3 inch couch in my parents bedroom last night.

day.

2009-08-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

mornings tell alot about whole days.
early starts are always good signs.
and coffee with hazelnut.
and 'glory in the highest.' resounding throughout the dawn lit kitchen.

its good to be reminded of the good that's alive among us despite all the other broken.

"Jesus grant this day that i might make abundant room for you in my heart."